When I think about being a kid the only word that comes to mind is silence. I spent most of it, being an only child for 11 years, alone. Armed with only my strong Mother at my side. Years later and I am still left feeling the same. Only this time round there’s music and a solid group of friends I can escape into and with when needed.
Right now I am preparing for Summer Camp, a music festival that requires what Afrika Burn did – camping. I do not know what to expect or even the kind of music I will be exposed to. I do, however, have two friends I trust and like with me. This has been another recurring theme in my life. Always there are good people at my side, to help me navigate my way through whatever is coming next.
I do wonder when this feeling of aloneness will leave. Most days I do not mind it. I have books and music. Music where I can imagine I am anything. A wild bordello whiskey drinking woman armoured to the teeth or the Mistress of Death whose spine is achored to nowhere and everywhere at once.Or a silly woman head over heels in love with a someone.
I told my best friend that I write best when I have silence and no one to cloud my imagination. The two Muses I had so far were never a solid part of my life. So I could propel them into any space, physical and emotional. I would see them when I needed a jolt of inspiration and then leave.
I am reminded of my daughter’s words. I expect too much of people. She even went as far as saying I expected to much of her. Yet, she exceeded any expectations I had, I replied. Yes, that space…that aloneness…does allow me to see, feel and know that everyone is stronger than they fear they are. And yes, I will never stop pointing it out. Even to the men I chose to have.
Yet. I do wonder…am I that strong? All I want is to make this album that has no name. I have no idea how I will do it, where the money will come from or the producer who will puzzle everything together. As I sat outside smoking the thought that can to my mind was this, ‘Will you allow us to show you that you are supported in everything you do or will you fear?’
The truth is I have no choice but to trust. Even as I go away for a weekend, camp out, hear strange music and meet even odder people (like myself no doubt), all that’s left of me is that – my solitude and trust. Trust that I will be placed where needed, to meet the right people, have my mind expanded and perhaps laugh a little bit.
My birthday is next week and I cannot help but think about where I was last year and who was at my side. Was I happy? Yes. Did I know any better? No. Did I wish for more? Yes. And just like that, because the gods heard my silent prayer…more is what I got. But one is never prepared for the more or the consequences of having chosen it. Yet this year allowed me to achieve a ten year old dream in spectacular fashion. Now it’s time for new dreams, new people and energy.
But for now…all I can do is trust that I will be guided to where I need to be, that those I need and who need me will find each other. All I ask for is… discernment and inner strength. Deep connection, great food and whiskey is a bonus.
In between where I am now and where I would like to be, there’s only this, one thing I am always left with dreams…and music.