We fell asleep close to 4am for the last few days, watched movies, tv series, talked and I was spoilt rotten. Great food was made and killer burnt butter biscuits that were devilishly delicious made just for me. I was…so damn happy spending time with my daughter; my favorite person in the world.
Of course that child of mine said a few things I did not expect. I mention this as it is often our kids who can say certain things we cannot see. Or do not know the consequences of.
Let’s start with the shocker. ‘Mother, I don’t recall you and Father ever being affectionate with each other…’ She explained the impact that had on her and that was painful. I had to admit that I simply did not know better. Her father and I connected in other ways but physical, everyday touch was not one of them. Although it was what I craved and had to allow others to teach me. I recall how shocked the Mexican was at my response to his very, very affectionate nature. He would kiss me anywhere, dance and sing and grab me lovingly. Hang on, chill, hold the phone and what’s going on here hmm? It felt as though it was a brand new language I had to learn. Only, it wasn’t I discovered later. Right person, right time and right place allows for that kind of deep connection that makes everything easier…including physical touch.
‘Mother, stop cutting people off so quickly. You go from being super intense to zero. No contact, no talking. Absolute silence. It can be very traumatic.’I had to explain how, why and the impact of allowing myself to be treated like a doormat had to her. In my personal and professional career I have been fucked over. It caused me to disengage the minute trust was lost. My heart, I told my daughter, cannot withstand another rusty sword being thrust into it. Friendship or no. Love or no. I will leave to save myself. She suggested I carefully evaluate people and allow them into my space….slowly. To avoid slit throats and blood on the walls. Trust must be earned in other words. And I am way to open and understanding.
‘Also, you cannot expect the man you plan to love to have Ben Harper energy.’ Before I could ask her to define what Ben Harper energy was she went off a bit. ‘People are primal beings Mother. You expect too much of them. Then they end up disappointing you and themselves. Also, most people do not realise how easily they can be manipulated…and you pointing it out does not help.’ This bladdy child made me sit and take notes. Ben Harper energy, I explained amounts to this – an individual who inspires me to write, sing and feel deeply. And has all kinds of Boss Energy…which makes me feel safe. This explanation did not help my case one bit.
We had a great time, aside from my personal relationships being dissected. We rarely fell asleep before 4 or 5am. ‘Oh no, you have that I am gonna give a lecture face Mother..’ she groaned. Still, she got up and made me coffee while I…lectured. It was amazing. She is such a grown ass girl and I am very proud of her. We have come a very far way together. And even though she is a second year university student, nothing much has changed. She is still my girly, my bucket of muffins. Only a great deal smarter and more together than I was at her age. But wait…at her age I was already a mother and the small kid I gave birth to…the centre of my world.
She still is.