I forgot the one thing, the most important thing this morning. In fact it was so important I felt compelled to write before going for my daily walk. I reflected on my blog post about dating in the time of Rona and the following thought came to mind. ‘Auriol, what are you saying about yourself and your capacity to love another?’
I stated that I do not know if I have it within me to love another so completely that I cook for them. Yet, what is it I do everyday and with a certain amount of relish and enjoyment? I cook for my family. Granted I was speaking about a love interest but I needed to dissect that thought.
This what I was reminded of. Dammitall, I am a musician and falling in love with life itself is what we do best. If I eat something delicious it feels as though the mighty heavens has opened up. Don’t even get me started on hearing the love stories from others. I know what love means.
The notion I had to rid myself of is this. Guilt and shame. I made some seriously shitty decisions in the past. Every single day I am on the path to being a better version of myself. That is enough.
When I am ready and things line up – love will appear. Or great sex or both in the same person! Hell, now that would be fun! But until then – I will be gentler. And refuse to lie to myself or anyone about how I feel.
Nurturing oneself with good thoughts and deeds matter more than any amount of love and affection given by another. Sure man, it’s nice and lovely when one is acknowledged. Or shown in no uncertain terms the truth of their emotions. Yet, it means so little if I do not have love for myself. The same applies in my career. I sing because I love it dammit. I fuckin love music. And would write and sing even if I was alone on a desert planet.
I wake up in this house and do not feel the absence of my father as keenly as others do. I do not feel guilt around this either. When the sadness descends and I am sure it will, those feelings will be honored as I stay in bed and cry. But until then – each day is mine to make the best of. Whether I am making music or not, in studio or not, getting laid or not, have a love interest of not.
This is my life after all….and only I get to decide how to nurture it and myself. No one else. Only I decide what and who matters. If anyone wants to come along for that ride, great. If not…I won’t die of heartache, trust me. But die I will, knowing I lived on my own terms.