I am sure anyone who reads this blog must think I am a messy human being, my emotions are always caught in mid-flight, buzzing everywhere, sticking to surfaces and people. Then I use music to scrape it off and puzzle myself back together again. At times I wonder if I will ever be satisfied, when I will stop dreaming and anchor my roots around a place or a person. Or is my fate that of a perpetual dreamer and nomad?
I was going to be smart and offer many explanations for dreams and how humanity has made sense of it throughout time. But it does not really matter I think. A dream is whatever one requires it to be. All I ever wanted was to be a musician. That was the extent of it. Yet, that alone meant dismantling my entire life. The question I am faced with now that I have set myself alright and burnt away people and things that no longer reflect who I chose to be is this – just what is next? What grand adventure lies ahead? And how do I navigate my way towards it…
Let me start by stating what I do not want. I do not want to step into another relationship. It would take someone extraordinary to convince me otherwise. Anyway, all I have to do is mention my deep love for Ben Harper’s music and most men scatter. This scare tactic is being used as we speak. There was only one person who had an ounce of Ben Harper’s energy….and the music I wrote was sublime.
I also do not want a boring and mundane life filled with only family, shopping and bills that need to be paid. I experienced that for 13 years thank you very much. I look at my dying father and know in my bones he would still be the same selfish bastard if he didn’t face death. So I try to short circuit the drama by always seeing how true I am being, by questioning myself and taking a closer look at my own motivations. So the universe doesn’t surprise jump me and kick my ass!
I do fear my heart will not open for a long while. And perhaps that way is best for now. In the meantime I have an album to complete, performances to plan and the possibility of being removed from home, South Africa, for 6 months at least. It is a possibility that excited me beyond measure. But let’s see how that works out.
A old friend once said that people lose faith in God or in other people when faced with endings. That was true for a while, but with each ending I became clearer about myself and the world I want to inhabit, the people I chose to love and care for, the causes I want to place my energy behind. And my circle becomes smaller each time. A survival tactic I learnt. One that hurt a great deal more than I thought it would. Life might be long but I refuse to people it with that which I learnt to tolerate alone.
I will adopt a son a few years from now. In the meantime will distract myself with men who have no possibility of making me happy. Love my family as best I can without making their their worries or dreams my own. I am choosing to be neutral as they make whatever decisions are in their best interest, even if I disagree. My opinion will be offered only if asked. I expect the same I return. I will offer my time and ears to anyone who needs it, to any cause that resonates and follow the best idea offered in the room.
I know where to find sanctuary, how to replenish my reserves, mental and emotional. Everything I feel, the dreams and flights of fancy will find its way into music, as that is where my heart blooms.
I can see Gilda shaking her head in dismay, all these rules and regulations. Perhaps I do this to keep myself safe and those around me from being hurt by agendas that not even I am aware of and can blindsided them.
Whatever I do it is myself I do not want to betray.