I no longer care that much about love, men or sex. Wait. I care as far as it impact my creatitivity, my ability to write and compose music yes. I do appreciate all the theory floating in the ethers, which I pay great attention to in order to listen deeper to those I love . But…I keep everyone at a comfortable distance. Never get too involved in their lives. I listen respectfully, then leave so I can….write Music and sing. Everything becomes Music in the end. Everything is Music.
Last night my Mother gave me a new nickname. For a second ( because she was explaining horribly Star Trek characters), I thought she was gonna call me a Clingon! But no. She called me Spok the Vulcan. I frown too much and am very calm, she said. Can’t lie. I was pleased. Spok it is. The minute I become too animated she looks at me with great suspicion!
After 2019, when I left someone I wanted a life with (wonder if he knew)…and especially the death of my Father, everything stopped. My world stopped. I had to relearn how to communicate. As my inability to do so lead to high grade fuckery. My cowardice disgusted me most. Never again, I promised myself, will anyone’s truth or desires eclipse my own. Since then I have small little rules like
I do not date musicians….unless they operate on Ben Harper or God Frequency. Meaning, I want to be left in awe…which leads to….composing more music of course. It is a wonderful cycle, the one feeds into the other. And…it would be great if we both lived on the same planet.
So here’s the the thing. After identifying what I love in others and my own inner bullshit…in search for awe everywhere. Within myself. In books. Nature. Or I remind others of their inherent bladdy coolness, of the things they cannot see or have forgotten. Then I write music about it and sleep well. People are our mirrors, our blind spots.
No wonder….it appears ( especially to my daughter) that I do not need anyone. I am just too calm all the time. My Spok like tendencies are the issue it seems!
I love wtaching shows were women employ all kinds of tricks to get the attention of their significant other. Why? Why are you guys acting like 14 years old godddamn? But then I realised, my craziness is found in Music. When I am deeply upset….I burn down entire worlds in Music. No man, woman or child is spared. Once the massacre is over, I wash my hands, close the piano and approach whomever I have conflict with….in a calm manner.
Yesterday my sister listened to the new song I composed called In The Arms Of My Lover. Aside from being surprised she said, ” This is for your new person isnt it?” Yes. The person I am calling in while I go about doing whatever pleases me. I have never written a song like that before.
We were all a villain once. Tell me, have you forgiven yourself yet? Have you let go of the shame and learnt to trust yourself again? Did you see the value in the experience you endured, the lessons you learnt about yourself? And yes. Some people are just plain crazy. Searching for answers will only take you that far. Your heart and soul is more important than being right. Or finding the ‘right’ in any situation before letting it go. But that’s just my thoughts. Feel free to ignore them.
So this year is almost done and I am super keen for whatever comes next. I no longer Burn down worlds and I speak clearly without Music, even if I do so in my own Vulcan like manner. That’s what this pandemic, a heart break and death taught me.
Am I gonna fuck out and fall apart? Of course man! Will I get up again? Damn straight…but when I am good and ready. Will the people in my life know always I love deeply and am a call away? They do and always will. The Music and even the Love will come in its own appointed time.
And that’s enough for now