Some of my favorite memories. Most of them have become music. When my heart bloomed and time was forgotten.
I had just spent the last few hours with him. Tall, lean, boisterous, charismatic. On his body two small birds inked. I retired back to my bed, my mind a mess. An hour had passed while my room mates snored and that’s when I heard it. The door being hastily opened and he burst in. Grabbing my face between his hands, kissing every part his hands and lips could reach,oblivious to anyone else. ‘Jefa linda (pretty boss), I will miss you…’ And then he was gone, his taste lingering…
I remember waiting as he packed his bags. The sky a clear dark pool studded with stars. I waited and smoked while he sang in a few meters away. I stood rooted as I listened, such sadness behind words I couldn’t understand. I should have know this is how it would end.
Every 6th of November
The truth is always simpler or more painful. When she decided to live with her father I couldn’t bear the loneliness, the sound of my heart forever fracturing. And so every year, a birthday performance filled with everything and everyone I loved. In one space, engrained into my memory with Music. There flies my heart. Safe in the arms of people I love.
You drove straight from the airport to see me. I looked at you and secretly thought, ‘What have you endured my Poet of a man? What happened this time?’ I remember how you exploded into words while I listened. Never prying, elated to see a smile return to your always sober face.
I saw a picture of you a few days later. You glistened and shimmered, a man transformed. Whatever passed between us was always a bit of a mystery. You left more of yourself with me. Perhaps you knew that I am a wolf who steals words and notes from your skin, consuming you from the inside out.
A City Empheral
When I walked into the open sky as the sun set, his hands in mine, I saw a steel flamingo rooted into the dry earth. I can go back I thought. He interrupted my thoughts with his laughter and I knew…there is no going back to the person I was. Back to what I hoped would become Home.
I barely knew the music, but with every song the dark things I trapped for the last eleven years fled. I cried during the entire performance, alone at the back of the hall as people crowded. I knew I would leave the only person I ever loved. Not for Music but for the chance to finally breathe in my own skin.
Where the Light Falls
He sauntered towards me, a cowboy in disguise. ‘Goodness, you are one good looking man…’ He laughed, sat down as I rested my head against his shoulders. That was the first moment I really saw him. We sat there for a long while as a feeling slowly descended. Something I had forgotten and only identified a year later.
More than two decade ago, I sat with my best friend who I just married on the steps outside the church. All the guests left while we spoke and laughed, having finally arrived at a place we always dreamed of, where we knew only peace while together. Or perhaps because we were together.
I have no defence against his voice. And my body responds the only way it knows how to. With tears and silence. It took months to descend from the journey that brought me to that place.
I didn’t want to attend your funeral Daddy. And sat mute as people spoke about you, your life and your achievements. While I held on to Mummy and handed my sister tissues.
I am sure of only this. I will be saying hello and goodbye to you for the rest of my life.