Love is hard, I rediscovered. And I do not mean it in a haha funny kinda way. It is a challenge allowing another to love you with all your flaws and ugly bits.
So many epiphanies struck me over the last few weeks. No matter how well adjusted an individual is remnants of who they were clash with who they aspire to be. At certain points I found myself stepping back into who I was. That person who is always on guard, cautious and not as fun loving. The person who wakes up with silence, not because I am in a bad mood, but because my head is filled with thoughts and emotions I need to process. I forgot the most important bit loving another demands. It’s your heart that matters and the person who carries it between their fingers. Not your mind or the endless analysis it tries to calculate or justify. And when arguing with someone you love it’s the heart that is forgotten first…
I spoke to a friend and he said that every argument boils down to this, “OK fine, fuck you can win this one because fuck it I’d like to have sex with you again soon”. A bit crass right? Well,it was a man who spoke those words. In my thinking loving another means embracing ‘well, I saw the best and worse in you and still would not want to be anywhere else besides here, at your side. I hope you feel the same…’ And there have been many instances when I opted to walk or sometimes flee the scene but made sure I reclaimed every bit of my heart I placed with another. And so I left, guilt free and with clean hands.
My hands are filthy now. Smeared with words and silences best left to music. I mention this because love is transcendental in the quiet and very loud moments. How many of us forget the really great bits about loving the other when things go wrong? There is no perfect anyone or anything. Just choices that need to be made. But while you are trying to make those choices never forget your heart and who resides there…and then take a look in the mirror and try to love what you see