Scattering the Old Man’s ashes didn’t happen. I don’t think my Mother was ready to face so many happy memories she shared with Daddy. But being a very self confrontational Scorpio, I wanted to see those places, walk, remember, cry and allow whatever emotions sneak towards me so I could face them.
Instead we barely touched the ground, took a few snaps and ended up sleeping. In fact, all of us slept as though we haven’t slept in ages. Each taking turns to catch up or slow down or process. This is how it is I realised…we can only do or give what we are capable of in that moment.
And so my mind drifted towards music. Any music composed is a by product of what I am living, who I am being. Perhaps that is true of most creatives. I heard it being said that the only faith to have is blind. Blind faith, when explained to those more logical minded sounds silly, or makes me seem foolish. Usually ‘those people’ have everything besides their hearts and spirits in order…whereas logical choices seem to slip by me every time, while my heart and spirit are the only parts of me I know well.
Love and Music functions on the same wavelength for me. I know instantly when those first chords are played whether I will compose music to it. There’s no waiting around to see how it feels or how it could evolve. In fact, with great music what comes after those first chords, especially if I am moved, tends to deepen and intensify with time. This is how love works also. I know within seconds of meeting someone whether I want to be a witness to their lives.
This grieving business is hard and sneaky. There’s some quote about the gift of allowing others to see one grieve, being a safe space for them as it happens. My family and Gilda’s have been there during the hardest bits. Being able to blog my way out of a dark place instead of bothering another with what I feel had also been a relief. I don’t have an issue speaking or sharing, but I need to be my own safe space first. The rest will come as it is needed. Along with the people, the music and eventually Big Love.
All I know is blind faith. Even on the saddest of days. And that’s okay…