Whenever something goes wrong in my life my friends all say the same thing, ‘Write it out, sing it away Auriol…’ There is something deeply cathartic about being able to sing away one’s pain, just losing yourself in the music. Or crying as you sit at the piano. Yet…I told my friend this morning, ‘Do you have any idea how much it hurts to just let everything out like that? To look at those words and know this is the truth of how I feel. Of how little I feel, of how much everything aches inside me?’
Stupid advice. Sometimes I just want to feel like a normal human being and not be stuck with all these feelings, all these thoughts of how the world should be, how people should behave, the strength they should have. As I have it dammit! It’s a strange thing realizing that I am stronger than I think. But God, the price one has to pay for that. I am always emptying out my heart. Doing a little sweep and making space for someone else to love. My aunt told me, after I said I cry way too often lately, that I am subconsciously mourning my father and so every little thing that disturbs my peace sends me into a dark pit. I know it. I see it, and so I distract myself as best I can. Or keep my frequency as clean as possible. It is alarming knowing I have chosen to not be as close to home for my sanity.
I heard Ben Harper’s new single Uneven Days and thought….why did you have to write a song like this eh? It made me dive under the covers and cry some more. So I opted to blog instead. I don’t know who reads any of my words and I do not really care. The same with music I reckon….and sometimes to my detriment. Getting on stage is amazing. I like to think the better part of who I am is revealed. The I don’t give a single fuck Auriol. The ‘me’ who demands answers and will take down anyone who comes in my way or tries to bullshit me. An energy I carry in my bones. Something we all do. Music evens me out so I can make space. More space for others.
On my terrible days I do wonder if any of it matters, if my voice that I fought for to be heard matters, if who I am matters. Sometimes being alive is hard. Sometimes it is easier losing yourself in a bottle of whiskey or a man and pretending for a second…. I can neglect, betray myself and wake up without being troubled by it. By who I can be when I am without hope.
What do I need? I need to sing. I need to not be alone with my thoughts so often. I need to see more of the world. My dreams of music is so big that I don’t always know where to place them. I need someone at my side who understands music and walks with me. Instead of trying to control, place me in a kitchen or with kids where I have to pretend I am wired a different way. My friends get alarmed when they see me descend into a dark hole. Sing. Write. Pray. Sure man. Sure…maybe later. But for now I am gonna fall apart, listen to Uneven Days and wait until it’s time to go into studio and pour all my sadness into music
Tomorrow will be better.