I wonder, often, what I spend the greatest amount of time thinking about…and then how accurately or not my life reflects my dominant beliefs.
A friend said yesterday, ‘Why don’t you just settle down and teach. Sing locally, have a little house and a lover…’ Something in my soul, something somewhere inside of me shouted…no, never. For a while I thought it was just my ego you know. I mean what musician doesn’t want to see their musical horizons broadened?
I can remember being 5 years old and knowing that my life is tied to music. I could feel the enormity of it even then. Every day at varsity, every second of being a married, young mother who thought life was slipping away without music. Every. Damn. Single. Moment. Of my godammn life. Music. And all I felt was the void, the darkness I was being swallowed into without music.
No wonder, when I look back, no one felt there was space for them. I made none. It’s ironic, being almost Valentine’s Day, that I revisit this notion. Settle down, chill out. That’s the equivalent of saying give up, stop living, I once thought…and perhaps still do on bad days. I am deeply aware of the lessons I am here to master this time around. It helps, trust me. Once I came to the realisation that music is always with me, I gave more time to other things, to balancing myself out….to becoming more human.
So often I hear people say, ‘Why are you still stuck in South Africa?’ And for a long time that question itself pissed me off. Bad management, no management, blah, blah. None of those reasons are true or valid. I had to know what it feels like to have nothing and no one….and still make music. To have mad support and get pushed around, not know myself…and still make music. To find the music in others, behind words, between ruins of people and failed experiences. To know, without words that what I love most is inside me. Always. Despite any and everything….and all I have to do is open my mouth, breathe and let it out…
In a few days I am in another country. And as usual I keep my expectations low. I barely look at the country or what she has to offer. Surprise me instead. Allow me to find the stories, the voices, the people who will move me, shift me closer to where I am meant to be. Open doors and show me how to slowly open up other parts of myself I shut down. I said this silent prayer to the land I am stepping on to very soon. I know she heard me whisper…
I. Am. Ready.