Falling in love isn’t easy, especially if it wasn’t your plan to fall in love, despite being very reasonable at every turn.
So I did the one thing I shouldn’t. I lost my footing, listened to other people, got completely freaked out and …wrote music. Like one possessed.
Then I went to India and only there could finally accept – this thing happened to you Auriol…and it’s okay. So I did what any reasonable person would do. I went to a temple and placed a prayer for him and his happiness there. Only in India was I able to hear what my heart said and find peace.
Then the pandemic hit and the reasons I tried to reach for found their way to me effortlessly. No more fighting with my heart. We are good terms.
Now when I listen to the music I penned….it’s like stepping into a beautiful dream – as every moment with him was a world of its own. A dream that now puts a smile on my face and enables me to live with greater honesty and ease.
And that’s the real problem with falling in love. I had to confront the good and bad bits about myself.
And the ugly truths also. I became very accustomed to accepting what was given without demanding more, you see. As I didn’t think I was worthy of being loved by a man who filled me with awe the way he did, who had complete command of himself.
I was so accustomed to taking what was given, sometimes out of curiosity and tried to convince myself that the silver lining was enough. I mean…who needs the sun right?
Yeah man, I know how to deal with difficult, hard men, I told myself. Okay, I do know how to deal with them, it’s a speciality of mine. But only in India did I realise….Not everything has to feel so hard. I am tired, so tired of being without the sun.
That was his true gift. He reflected something dark within me just by being his true self. He showed me how much I comprised, how deep the lie was rooted and that running was no longer the answer. It took time for me to integrate that truth into my being. Awareness was the first step.
And that’s the real problem with falling in love. You cannot escape yourself.
All is not doom and gloom my people. The music I wrote is beautiful and the gods never leave any of us without.
Someone special will find his way to me…and I to him. It’s just a matter of time. I am no longer running, as there is nothing to run from. Not anymore. Silver linings are great and the reason why I could see them in others was….simple…I am the sun, I am the carrier of light. Yes, yes,…that’s why I am called…wait for it…Ms Hays! Haha
That single reminder makes falling in love not only problematic but the biggest gift anyone can give…themselves.