My Mother often told me to take note of who I spend time with. Being headstrong I ignored her. I was determined to do things my way and on my terms. When I reflect on my life thus far I must concede – Mummy was right….about almost everything. Birds of a feather flock together after all. I have learnt that who I spend time with says a great deal about what matters to me.
Yet, what happens when most of your day is spent alone or in silence? Let me tell you what happens to me – every little fear filled thought spills out of me when I least expect it. And this usually takes place on stage.
After a very emotional performance at Obviously Armchair a few days ago I concluded that I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life. Words do not come as easily when I have to share them with people I love. My actions are not as loud and my deepest truths found in the music I write. And let’s be honest with each other. Most people want answers, data, proof of whatever is being discussed. My head is filled with words and music and ideas around beauty and truth. It is not as romantic as it sounds and very often I am crushed by the weight of logic and the coldness of others.
There is another side of the coin to inspect. We call people into our lives. Nothing is coincidental or happens by chance. Something deep within us draws another in like a siren call – and whether that journey ends in shipwreck or safety is what has to be determined. I have no interest in pointing fingers. I am deeply aware of my Power To Call people into my life. And when a journey ends in shipwreck I investigate what the other person reflected and mirrored in me. Just what was I thinking or not thinking, doing or failing to do. My Mother tells me I take matters too seriously. I should relax and allow life to unfold. Again, I will ignore her and probably to my detriment.
This is what Rilke had to say…
‘I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.’
The sentence that kills me in the quote above is ‘Do not seek answers, which cannot be given [to] you because you would not be able to live them.” That. Right. There. Again, another reason why I am doomed to live the rest of my days alone. Truth takes time. The process of uncovering it (usually a traumatic experience) and integrating that truth into our lives takes even longer. And we live amidst so many untruths. Untruths about the world, our intrinsic value and untruths about others. The deep knowing that there is no difference between the ‘other’ and myself causes me to pause for a great deal longer as well. And so time is spent in silence.
Basically Rilke gave me the same advice my Mother always gives – chill out girl. It’s okay to walk around with a heart full of holes and questions in your pocket….as long as you have faith. As long as you have good people around you. They might just show you how to patch up those holes and give you the answers you need. And if you are really lucky – you can do the same for them. I might not have everything I desire but I do have that. My life is filled with good people.