I often wonder why things happen. I try to find the dots connecting me to the bigger story. Music helps I find. As does paying attention to my inner world and how it is reflected in the world outside of me.
Yet, as my friend and fellow songwriter Lionel Bastos once told me, ‘Sometimes you have to tell people how you feel. And not only with music…’ Yeah, I am not living in a musical after all. They won’t always sing a chorus line back to me as a response.
And so I wonder why the energy of a certain person won’t leave me be. I cut chords energetically speaking, focus on work and family, still I dream and see this stupid man as clear as day in front of me. Smiling and cracking a joke. Damn him to hell!
I will be honest and state that he set the bar in terms of how I want to connect with anyone. This by itself is problematic I discovered. It has to be….that easy and the connection that intense. Feeling at ease matters a great deal. More than a handsome face or a smart man with a lovely beard and ink. Even if that man cooks well.
Dating is tiring. All that ‘getting to know you’ business makes me wish I could just send a link and say ‘ here, read the shortened version’. So I don’t have to waste time explaining my past or the journey towards music. The end result? I don’t share anything I have not written or sung about.
Aside from that I have a lot to deal with in my life right now. The thought of having to expend that amount of energy on someone bores me. I would rather read and sit in the sun or write music. So that’s what I do. I am not interested in exercising my options just because they are there. Gone are the days of simply accepting what’s on offer.
I will ride out the energy and wait for my life to pick up again. That’s all one can do. If the last two years taught me anything it’s this: breathe and be as present to your own life as humanely possible. This allows one to give more of oneself when it is needed by others. The rest will take care of itself. It always does. Yet problems find us when we try to control or give into fear and doubt.
I am done with that to. Shall I end off this blog post with a Dune quote? Yes. Fear is the mind killer. I will let is pass through me until only I remain. Yeah, I can’t wait to watch the movie! I intend watching it at least thrice at the cinema. Alone. With people…I don’t really care. But watch it I will. And enjoying every second is a given. Kinda like what I am doing right now. I am present and deeply appreciative of the life I have. Even if unexpected guests appearances are made while dreaming.