I often wonder about the people who read my blogs, the crazy rantings of my mind I subject them to. I wonder about it especially in the last year. The highs and lows in my career and personal life, the confessions I freely offer as I write as well as the epiphanies. I wonder but never for too long. I write and sing to keep sane above everything else.
I heard it being said that our greatest gift is often entangled with our biggest fears. This makes such sense. Every wonderful experience came my way through music, either directly or indirectly. And with it challenges that forced me to dismantle and reassess all the boxes of beliefs I lived within.
Always men are at the centre of these troubling issues. Men who try to silence or control, play games, live vicariously through me or just use and discard my skin. This is how I learnt the value of my own voice. Not by being in studio or on stage, but through my personal interactions with them.
My aunty who has the gift of seeing told me that men fall in love with me, even if they try to just use me. And those who hurt me do not end up fairing well. Protection and all, she says. It doesn’t matter whether this is true or not. What does matter is the manner in which I conduct myself and how the learnings of those interactions are intergrated into my being.
Have I learnt my lesson? When I look at my life so far the answer is a solid yes. But one is always tested! Either by being offered everything, nothing at all or coming across an energy that feels familiar. If I look at my last relationship, as an example, I am rather certain that I could have had the family and kid I always wanted. But the price was one I was not willing to pay. So I had to ask myself – what is of greater value to you Auriol? A normal relationship with all it’s domestic bits and bobs or your greater calling, music?
My sister asked me a few minutes ago if this feels like home. Yes and no I said. This isn’t where I settle and grow old. I can feel it in my bones. I have work to do, lives to affect and greater adventures to have. Also, let me very honest okay? A normal life with kids and school and making food every night would kill me. And having someone at my side who demands that of me would never work. Or one who is not in their power and frazzled at the edges. I require strength.
Right now I enjoy the idea presented to me by someone I have special regard for. He will marry me in a few years. Yes and sure. Give me those years to do what I have to and for you to have a life of your own I thought. Then…you play piano especially on a Sunday afternoon while I cook and friends come over. Yeah, I like having my own little romantic movie moment of sorts. Is that gonna happen? One never knows about any of it. And it is not my focus at all. But it is an idea I rather like. Of course the energy reader had another story to share altogether about who I fall in love with…
It’s about collecting frequency. Ideas become real tangible things once we collect enough of it. I have collected enough to take me to the next level of my career. I am so ready to learn and evolve. I do not need to write anymore music for this album. I need this time to solidify bonds with family and friends, to gain clarity. So when I leave I can do so with no guilt or regret. And I feel none for any person who has come across my path so far. I did the best with who I was, said my peace. The rest is up to them. And it’s okay if they don’t return either. The gods never leave us without.
There’s a wonderful saying that goes like this – you can only love at the level of your consciousness. See? It’s about sharing frequency. Sometimes we just don’t know any better. And that’s okay also. I am trusting the gods to guide me, for my dreams to show me the way when I can’t see and the love of friends and family to make everything else not only bearable but downright fun.
I am ready to move into what’s next. And I know my father is at my side…cheering and possibly suggesting I use other words and phrases when I write music. Of course, of course I will ignore him as I did when he was alive! Haha
One day, one step at a time…magic is everywhere around us. Hang ten. That’s wrong. We are the stuff magic is made of…