Most of us have no idea why we are where we are or what it means. We struggle for years on ends. Why do we repeat the same mistakes? Is something wrong with us. Or is something wrong with everyone else and the world?
Music exposed me to things, both good and bad, and my path was illuminated at each turn. Each disappointment caused me to dig deeper into myself. What’s the lesson here? This question hounded me for for so long.
All that doubt caused me to attract people into my life who were as lost as I was. Sometimes more broken and trapped. While in meditation I asked a question: why am I here? To transform was the answer. Firs, your own life and then those around you.
I no longer worry about the same things I use to, even at the start of this year. Music will come, it always does. But instead of searching for the truth behind other people’s words, the Lockdown and Daddy’s death made me look at my own truths instead.
When I say I have been gifted with a more expansive understanding of Love itself, I am not kidding. Suddenly everything is precious. I think often about those I carry within my heart….and I swear, regardless of what transpired, I am just so grateful for the love ingited in those moments. And I beam back that love to all of them. Until my skin tingles and a sense of calm finds me.
I realised that every person I once thought was lost, broken, twisted and mean. ‘Those’ who hurt me….are all just aspects of myself in greater need of love. They are me and I am them. And we chose this rock called earth to find our way back to not only each other but to the person we always were. Whole. Healthy. Joyful. True. Inspired. Abundant. Blissfuly alive — every second of the damn day.
I chose to not reach out to anyone for the last few months. Even after Daddy died and it felt like the grief swallowed me whole, I opted to blog instead of speaking to those I love a few seconds away. I know now what my heart can handle and where my strength lies.
During moments of extreme anguish, a big part of me just wants to bolt and leave to a anywhere but where I am. While sitting in the sun a thought meandered towards me effortlessly. You are here to hold space for your family. It’s a gift not a sacrifice.
All these epiphanies will find their way to my voice when next I sing. Along with the grace of being around people I love. People who keep each other safe so we know we are loved and more than capable of loving in return.
Thanks Daddy. For being a hard man. A kind man. As much of a gossip as any old lady. I will never forget your bright smile when I came home after travelling. Or when I cooked something you liked. ‘Auriol, I am a street dog who eats anything…’ you use to joke. At the end you said, laughing when I handed you food. ‘I eat only things I like…’ Followed by ‘Where’s my tea?’ Which I had ready of course…
I am so very, very lucky to have known so much love. When I am ready…when Love finds me again…there will be less fear, more laughter and grace in everything I do. This is the promise I make to myself.