On bad days these are the things that go through my mind. Why am I here ? What is it I am failing to learn or meant to succeed at? Why does everything seem to take longer? Or not find me at all? Why am I always around mad people, keeping the peace, forever keeping the peace? And why was no one around to help me? Is this how it is meant to be? Forever?
Gods, I wasted so much time! The thought plaques me most days when the panic sets in. I become silent and withdraw. Or I write first, hoping that the words will anchor me somehow. At times it really does. So does walking or sitting in the sun.
Everything is an experiment in thought for me, even the dating thing. Who is it that will find me or I will attract? What does this reflect about my beliefs? How good am I at dealing with uncertainties? Do I really like the person I am speaking to, or do i just have a high tolerance for dealing with assholes? I always have a good time on these dates. As it is all rooted in my mind, not my heart and I am deeply aware of it.
The only way to deal with bad days is to go within. To shut down, retreat and not speak. How else to hear what it is my heart says eh? Of course, I do tell my heart to shut the fuck up and leave me be! It has gotten me into more trouble than I care to think about, and left me feeling so foolish. Of course, the music that came from my black heart is amazing yes. The performances even better at times.
Balance. Everything revolves around finding and maintaining balance. Doing my best to not allow these questions to overwhelm, facing those doubts as best I can. And not expecting answers from anyone or anything outside myself. As there is no “out there”. Just the world reflecting back my beliefs. I am doing much better, this I do know. My life reflects it.
I am extending my stay and being a bit selfish. Planning a few performances would be good, seeing some friends and making more music equally so. Perhaps even a few more dates a week.
And Universe, if you can hear me….I could do with a miracle here and a miracle there. Yeah, throw me some of the good stuff why dont you eh? Musical stuff first and man stuff afterwards, do you hear?
All I would like is to sing. And sing and sing so much until I become Music.