We learn different things from different people. In the last few years, from my Noel, I mastered the art of embracing YES. Yes to the music. The people. The food. This was very hard….as I was…a bit of a snob! Once I let go of my expectations and judgement, I had the best of times regardless of where I went or who I was with.
This year…I learnt what functional relationships look like. Yes, with the kids and the noise and the arguements and the discussions about food and spices! And it was glorious.
I told my best friends,” Every morning…I hear the two of you…making coffee, planning your day…being so gentle with each other. It is a gift, hearing all that love from my bedroom. ” My Swaar ( brother in law) then looked at me and said,” I want whatever you are smoking…” Haha.
Sometimes…. people do not realise how luckily they are. The intimacy they share, the small kindness. Look, it has been years since I allowed anyone close enough where simply saying….I am worried or scared is an every day occurence. Honestly, I would rather write or sing about it before uttering those words to anyone in person. Hence, my daughter’s comment, “You don’t allow anyone into your life…enough for you to need them.” She is right. Ergo, her other comment, “Mother, you are cold. “
I am not cold. I just learnt how to shield my heart from splintering into pieces. The kind of pieces I cannot put back together again.
This year has softened me. I got such an overdose of love and kindness. My best friends and the twins spoilt me. They would have a braai ( barbeque) on Thursday because I go home the Friday. If they know I had a particularly horrible day….there would be…a small whiskey, great food and the twins saying,” I love you Aunty Yo!” My heart just melts every single damn time.
Honestly , I kinda think the last year has prepared me for a wonderful and kind love entering my life. A love that grounds. That’s filled with small kindnesses that go a long way. If this life taught me anything it is this – I can only share music that reflects the kind of people I spend most of my time with.
All musicians… are sponges. We absorb other people’s energy and turn it into music. So we can make sense of our lives and theirs.
We incarnate here to enjoy the physicality of our skins. To know joy. Pleasure. Heartache. Pain. We came here to experience love in all its forms….and to transcend our darkness. Luckily, we are never alone. We travel in a tribe. And therein lies safety. Honesty. Truth.
We were never meant to walk alone. Or to be without answers.
I told my Mother casually, as my phone exploded into music ( it was my best friends calling) , ” How are they not sick of seeing me?” My Mother laughed and said, ” My gal…you are so loved. ” Yeah….I am….and there is no music for that. It makes my hardest of days not only bearable…but filled with a silent kind of joy. Best part? They don’t require me to be anyone other than who I am. And neither do I require that of them. If that isn’t the most honest kind of love there is….then I don’t know what is.
I hope you can find the same when looking carefully at those you love and who love you back . Those who fight with and for you in your darkest and most luminous of times. Ps. In case you forgot….and no one told you…You are bladdy amazing. There is no one like you….so why should others not want to be near you eh? How could they not love every bit of who you are? It is simply impossible. Fuckin impossible! I know this….because I know you. X