This morning I thought of my daughter. My kid who has seen her fair share of both my ex husband and I losing our shit. I thought of everything she endured and overcame. Look, I am the kinda Mother who will sit on the floor of a mall and chuck out the contents of my bag while searching for my keys, that are in my pocket. Not the most practical person in the universe in other words. Yet she is…so surprising. I am very proud of who she has become.
I have letters I wrote to her since she was a baby. Letters where her crazy inner and outer life was recorded in great detail. Our lives revolved around stories, books and music. Oh, and my lectures about life and why the world is the way it is. I did this by using imaginary friends – where I became other people. Always outrageous and on the brink of doing something bad. I wanted to test where her moral compass was. The thing about kids is they are born knowing their true nature and that of everyone else. There is such joy in their little faces and one cannot help but be inspired and energised by it.
Like all kids she went through a bad patch. All I could do was wait for her to return to me and step back. That was probably the most painful experience so far. Of course I said nothing and carried on with my life. And she resented me for it, as all kids do. However, I had to trust she would grow up. After all I am her Mother. I was responsible for placing certain ideas in her head. Just as my Mother was with me. And like my daughter I saw the good, bad and ugly while growing up. Yet, she came back to me. A grown ass almost adult who makes her own pasta, is now a vegetarian, reads Dante’s Inferno and wants to debate all manner of metaphysical issues with me. She dreams like I do and I am handing her my tarot deck so she can read for friends.
Often I think back to small moments when she would play music and sketch while I read. Or when I drove her to school and she made fun of me for listening to The Harp (Ben Harper) sing The Power of the Gospels. Birthdays were my favorite, hers and mine. We got manicures, pedicures, had a great lunch, watched a movie and talked nonsense. When she left and I had to celebrate my birthday on my own…that was hard. But I learnt to adapt and now schedule performances on Nov 6th. She is and will always be my one person, my piano girl who made me so happy I had to find music to make sense of what I felt. And did I sing to her when she was small. Everything from Nina Simone, Cheryl Crow, Radiohead, Red Hot Chilli Peppers or whatever I was listening to. And we danced to tango music! No wonder she never wanted to go to sleep…
My relationship with my Mother is one of my most important ones. I can and do speak to her about everything. Every concern, every joy and she prays for me while never doubting for one second. Yet these two people think I am a bit closed off. At times I silently think, ‘If I could share what I feel….there would be no more music left on this entire galaxy.’
I wrap people I love in sound and words. Sometimes to distance myself from them or to understand them better. My Mother taught me to start my day with focus. She reads her holy books for hours, starting at 4am….when I fall asleep most days. Her face is serene and her hands steady as she prays. She has way too much energy, whereas I am the most chilled out character. Very cat like in other words. When someone hurts me or loves me – I write music. And when I lose my way I turn to her. When I need to laugh it’s my daughter who’s the comedian. Two people at the centre of my life.
And I have been lucky. My friends circle is very small and there is no one in my life, or inner space I merely tolerate. I know what it’s like to live with someone yet live past them. My ex husband was a good man. But we had nothing left to say to each other and I wanted to feel above everything. He is still a good man and does his best while he raises his small son who is the spitting image of him, blonde and blue eyes ( his father has green).
The one lesson I am glad my daughter finally got was… to accept people as they are. Just love them or let them go. I hear some people long for the good old days. Nah man, there is nothing and no one in my past I want to revisit. It’s not that love isn’t enough. But I want to know that I am enough as I love. That we are, even if things are not perfect. I need to feel …whole through it all.
Life is about the now….and I just know that something wonderful is waiting for me. I know this because it is the single thought I start my every day with. Thank you for what I have, who I am and what’s coming. I list all the things I am grateful for, the people I love, the ones who need some positivity thrown their way and I place them at the feet of the gods.
Take care of them, take care of me. And remind me of my true nature, the best parts that are anchored in joy and mad excitement. Remind me so I can remind others…and thank you for every bit of music that moves through me.