Let’s start off with a warning. Okay. You were warned. Still here,still reading? Okay, so let’s go. This last year has been the worse I have endured sexually, and by choice. As nothing is accidental. No matter how much I might want to think otherwise.
Sex is never just sex. So many things follow in its wake, at least for me. Intimacy. Love. Safety. Creativity. Connecting to the Sublime. I endured bad sex for an entire year and by choice. Now when I say bad sex…I mean sex without any kind of emotion or real care for the other. Why would anyone do that to themselves you ask? I was punishing myself you see. Clarity is a strange thing. When one looks back….all the dots light up and one can see the bigger picture. Boom!
I fell in love without knowing I did. And then bolted, ran and wrote music to deal with the shock of it all. There’s connection, loving someone and falling head over heels. And I punished myself for it by enduring disconnection on every possible front imaginable.
Our bodies carry their own wisdom. I am a very sexual being but when I couldn’t connect sexually, even though I desired to, I knew two things. I was being warned and something was very off. India healed me in so many ways. It reminded me what true connection feels like. Without sex.
I realised that in the last year I felt many things but safe and supported was not one of them. And I chose men who could not give me any of what I really needed. I had to ask myself why I was choosing certain kinds of men. What was not healed within me? Turns out that my heart cracked open a bit more when I wasn’t looking.
Music and sex are tools, at least for me that allow for the ultimate transmutation of energy, a link to the divine. I remember visiting my shaman years ago and her saying in a very stern tone, ‘You have been with that man haven’t you? Don’t you see how much energy he takes from you?’ The sex was great but I always felt drained for at least a week afterwards. And it had nothing to do with the physicality of the act. Some people take more than they give. We have all been on both ends.
It’s not that sex is on my mind a great deal. Rather intimacy has been. And the desire to share honestly with someone of my choosing, who functions on the same frequency….who allows the music to flow freely. Gods, I am sick of difficult, broken and lost men. As that is no longer an indication of who I am or where I chose to be. All I need to do is identify the energy on display and consciously make a different choice.
I have sex for different reasons. In the past I chose men for musical purposes. After being with them all my thoughts were rattled loose and I could write music for months on end. Or I had sex to feel in sync with the universe. This involves great music and another kind of surrender. And then there’s beautiful I love you sex. Sex with the sun on your back and music pulsating through every part of your body. I feel dizzy and can’t think clearly afterwards kinda sex that reminds you why life is beautiful.
We are energetic beings. And we exchange and transmute energy in many different ways in our daily interactions. Most of the time we are not conscious of how our big and small actions affect another. This is more true when sex is involved. When I feel unsafe….I talk a lot about relationships and what to do or not to do. But when safety is a given – words are never needed. Neither is music. This is something I forgot.
We all know intrinsically what we need. We know what safety feels like. We know when we are being lied to, warned. Our bodies speak to us all the time. Things go wrong when we no longer listen. When we disconnect and lose our footing.
Why have sex if it leaves you feeling shame? Why have sex if not to glorify in everything you are, they are in that moment?
So before you jump anyone when this lockdown ends….think about what you need first, how you want to feel, the kinds of intimacy you would like to experience….and then step out and claim it. And revel in every orgasm received and given…
Life is a gift. So gift another with your presence.