It was always going to be my daughter. I like teasing her of course. ‘Girl, I love you but not more than Ben Harper’s music’ . Needless to say….she does not like his music. She is into her rappers and soundcloud boys. Just the other day she said in an exasperated tone, ‘Why am I always surrounded by musicians?’
I spent most of Lockdown with my family but without my daughter. We spoke all the time but she opted to spend it with her father, younger brother and boyfriend. I don’t think I would have handled my father’s death as calmly if she was around. That girl sees through me and all the walls I erect. I was deeply appreciative of the space I was given and then took in dealing with all the madness of last year.
Having her with me after such a long absence has been….interesting. It has been ages since we spent so much time together. I forgot what being a Mother felt like, what it means for anyone to need me. In truth, I am always a bit surprised when people ask me to visit or hang around, even friends. Yes. I have been alone for that long, I realised. I miss her. Already. Dammit. And I saw her yesterday! What nonsense is this?
Mentally, every night, I play back my day and pinpoint people or things that impacted me. I refuse to allow anyone’s opinion to matter to such an extent that it disturbs me. Mentally, I picture the thoughts attached to the person and the color of light it emits. I ensure that it and they are neutralized until a balance is reached. I will not allow anyone’s opinion to matter more than my own or their love to eclipse the love I feel for the GodSource, Music or Nature itself.
I know it sounds fucked up. But do you have any idea what it feels like to love someone….and their love feel like the Sun? When it is gone….that darkness is a hell in itself. I suppose that’s the reason why I bolted before I knew what another’s true warmth felt like. Since 2019, I made a promise to myself to nurture and cultivate my own Inner Sun. That’s what got me through last year and every bad day since.
But my daughter reminded me. She always reminds me. It’s okay to….allow people in. It’s okay….to feel more.To allow yourself to be loved. To care. To be vulnerable. Around others. Without music or words or writing.
Kids are so smart and they do come wired differently. Kinda funny….how adults assume we need to protect them. They come to save us. From ourselves.