A year ago, where was I ? In France, where I lost my footing. A few weeks later, unbeknownst to even me, my heart leapt into someone else’s chest and remained there. It’s an odd feeling trying to find your back way from any place. Everyone has their own bit of advice. Until one’s inner landscape is polluted with the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘consider this’ of other people. Thoughts parading as one’s own. If not careful that noise can really fuck you over.
At home another kind of silence/noise surrounds me. The smell of the sea or lagoon, the shuffle of my father’s tired feet as he tries to move, my mother’s badly played piano and the sorrows of so many in my family…all seep back into my skin. And then the urgent need pounds, a need that causes my eyes to well up with tears if I am not careful. You need to sing Auriol. Sing or lose your damn mind.
Everyone wants to be somewhere else. Ideally, I want to be in studio with Ben Harper. Yet found myself in India creating a work of art (music video) that will shift and elevate the way I chose to be ‘consumed’ by the public. No, darlings…I am not your average singer blasting covers outta my mouth to get by and get laid.
The entire team gave their best. And if the making of the music video was a soap opera unfolding, trust me I was one of the minor characters. Someone who watched and listened as big feelings were displayed and splashed before everyone’s eyes in the two apartments on the same floor in India.
A year ago…How untrue have I been? What kind of music have I written? If new people entered my life, of what quality are their minds and spirits? These are the kind of questions I ask myself. Before the noise of others cause me to doubt and swerve into walls, I need to know the nature, texture of my own truth. In God Emperor of Dune by Frank Herbert, the lines that resonate are the following…
‘ Beware of the truth, gentle Sister. Although much sought after, truth can be dangerous to the seeker. Myths and reassuring lies are much easier to find and believe. If you find a truth, even a temporary one, it can demand that you make painful changes. Conceal your truth within words…’
This is why I need to go to the beach as soon as I can. The sea and I need our time together. So I can be cleansed of every thought I picked up and remember India and the clarity she gifted me with.
Also I need to find the words to the song that found its way to me as we soared above the clouds on my way home. Yes. I will become the Voice of War itself. But first some water, a smoke and a good tune to get me going.
Then it’s the Sea and I. She knows, understands and forgives.