Being a typical Scorpio…..I have a scorched earth policy with people. Cut off emotionally, destroy any and all reminders and write music to process the pain, the loss. This is fine and well, but what completed any cycle with regards to healing is the reclamation part.
When I got divorced, I spent a lot of time listening to music I shared with my ex husband. Oh, that took time and I balled my eyes out. Music was how we connected. I forced myself a while afterwards to listen to certain songs in order to check how far I had progressed….and…nothing. Nada. Fokoll. The music was my own and whatever I felt was back in my chest. The act of reclamation is so important.
I did this over the last few days with my last relationship. Before him all I knew was aloof, cold and dude was blazing hot in every way. Warm, insanely great in bed and all round lovable. But. Those buts are mine alone and very valid by the way. I visited a place by the sea where we sat happily in love….alone and purposefully, ordered something to eat and managed to seal a few things on the music side. Boom! The process of reclamation is complete. I am my own again.
The idea is not to walk around like a half dead thing with a heart wired shut. Or to deal with players and fuck boys. Those kinda men….I keep as friends or enjoy for one night alone if it pleases me to do so.
The idea is to take a good look at my heart, why and where I allowed myself to be injured…and heal it. Alone. Sure, it’s harder. Sure, it makes me more cautious is dealing with men. But so damn what? The golden rule I live by is what I give out I get back. So just who am I being?
My birthday celebrations might not happen as that damnable president is making a fucking speeches again. Fuck. That. Man. Fuck. This. Government. To. Hell. And. Back. Either way, I will be where I need to be – without family and kissing someone so incredibly sexy and wonderful. Yes. That’s the only plan I have for my birthday… Christmas….New Years…Valentine’s Day and every damn day after that. Oh…and making music. I mean, obviously! Of course. It’s my favorite thing, followed by kissing!
It kinda reminds me of what I say to my daughter and Mother when they annoy me. ‘Of course I love you….but not more than Ben Harper’s music!’ Haha. Works every time. Mind you, it really works with men, I just leave out the music but intentionally! And that is the idea. My heart isn’t wired shut anymore but it sure as hell isn’t a free for all as it once was.