It’s a odd feeling. Waking up, cooking, listening to music and recording all kinds of mad songs….while life around me carries on. Daddy’s still dead, so many family issues need to be dealt with and it feels like I am slap bang in the centre of it. Always listening and watching. I need a damn break.
Well, in all fairness, I am spending a few weeks away from my family. And while I make jokes about letting my hair down….it’s not really a joke at all. My birthday is the perfect excuse to (in all honesty) run away and hide for a while. To shed skin, burdens and dance!
A friend of mine who thrived under lockdown said he wouldn’t mind is reverting back to level one. No way man. I need to get back on stage, be between people and kiss a few amazing men! Life throws one all these mad loops, doesn’t it?
Now I am reminded of my Father who always felt like he settled for second best. Is this what I am doing, I wonder? Especially with my career. It feels like I am caught in some black fog, always dreaming of the sun. Ask me what I need? My own bit of happiness. Sure, my family is part of that. Yet, it feels like I am standing on the outside, always watching and making notes.
I am content for the first time in my entire life. And that feeling of settling doesn’t keep me awake at night. This is where I am for now. My heart no longer aches the way it did this last year. It beats steadily.
All I can do really is wish all the people I care for well. All I can do is embrace that wellness myself. Grab a hold of it and not be scared to take a risk. And trust. Trust that the music means something. That happiness and I are on a collision course with each other. Happiness of every kind.
Do you know what I asked for during meditation? I asked for a love so big I am not able to offer any resistance to it. Nothing.
Tumi said, ‘We are all scared of opening our hearts to the wrong person…’ On the one hand, there is no wrong person. Just an interesting detour and a lesson. Yet. Life cannot only involve lessons can it? There is joy surely? Wonderful, all encompassing love waiting to offer itself to those who are ready?
Right now I am ready to hit the road for a while. If anything in CT comes up and requires that I stay a bit longer…I will welcome it. I need to figure out who I am without my family….what that feels like…to own my skin, my time and my heart. Right now everything is tied to home. The safest place I know is here.
But no one grows, or evolves in between four walls do they?