I have been using all manner of sharp objects to free myself of past experiences and people. The best bits of who they are is placed into music, the lesson they taught me is absorbed and processed but they are… discarded altogether. Out of my life and most certainly my heart.
I know that sounds cold but I don’t keep in my energy that which no longer serves me. We are all guilty of hanging on to the ideas of people or the memories of a place in time. I remember about three years ago a certain name would only surface in my mind when I was drunk. I could not risk thinking about him with the lights on. Was it love? Probably not. Did I know it then? Of course I did. We always do. Yet we keep poking ourselves on the eye….denial, denial and some more denial.
After Afrika Burn I no longer lie to myself, it’s a decision I made. I have zero fucks to give about good intentions I can sniff out in dreams. Show me who you are now. Once I see it and have seen it repeatedly, then I know my answer. I was very bad at this in the past and so hurt myself more by hoping those I deal with at least consider my feelings. They never did. This applied to my career as well. It was harder to deal with when music was involved.
I do wonder if it is time I let go of Ben Harper’s energy. For longer than I care to remember his music has kept me together, showed me the way so I don’t lose myself in the black pit of despair if you feel me. I still have all the pictures taken at the concert on my phone. It is my favorite memory of this entire year. More so when I was writing music these last few weeks. I do not want to mythologize another person or life event. How does one view any event or person in a balanced manner, especially if music is playing?
It is rather odd you know. The music I have composed itself is beautiful and very positive but I ended up sitting with a volcano of feelings that threatened to eat me alive. How many layers of protection will I keep encasing my heart with? Ben Harper’s music has always been the metaphorical Knight fighting off my own darkness. The reality is that for a while I didn’t think I was strong enough. And so I listened to him whisper strength and light into my skin. It took a while for me to realise…I have always been my own Knight, my own army. The only person that can save me….is me.
What ideas keep you sane and from falling to pieces? What people have you alive in your mind, memory and heart for longer than is necessary? And why? Keep what serves you, what brings you joy and forget the rest.
I don’t want my heart to shrivel or the memory of opening for my favorite musician to become a ghost. And so I decided I am gonna turn down the dial a bit. So I can invite into my life and career other experiences that enliven me. And while Ben Harper’s music is always playing under my skin, reminding me I am indeed gold, I know that I am ready. Armed with not only an microphone but my own damn sword as well. I am ready for More. Laughter. Joy and Music. Yeah…give me the good stuff dammit