I have days where I think….I am so sick of trying to figure out the meaning of everything! My brain is working overtime dammit! I guess this is why I like being around people where I don’t have to speak so damn much, where I can just breathe.
This week? It’s been great. Two weekend performances and more hanging out with friends before I head back home for two weeks. Regarding my shows…I am choosing music to sing that won’t topple me over the edge. So light and fun it is. Summercamp and dancing takes place at the end of April! I love these music festivals because they require nothing but my bones moving. There’s only Music and safety. I have my Afrika Burn crowd and Matt. Safety and trust is a huge thing for me.
I do have those days where I wonder…what the hell am I doing alive on this rock? Seriously, what’s the damn point? There’s so little Music in my life right now. I don’t care for love or getting laid. So, just what is the point? I hate that I can answer all the doubts and fears I have. Hence, my existential moments do not last long and I barely ever need to call anyone.
You will be here until you no longer need to be. That’s what I told my father when he was having a bad day about a month before he passed. Daddy, you will go when it’s your time to go. He left when he got out of his life and gave everything he could. Now we carry on as best we can.
My kid is so insightful. ‘Mother, you might end up getting what you need through your voice. And that doesn’t always mean singing. You should try acting or stripping…’ I asked her if she honestly thought I would be any good at…stripping! On a serious tip, I wonder sometimes if my heart is just broken all round. I can hear you thinking of Rumi right this second. Yeah, my heart is broken to allow more light in sure. Luckily, the people I love know that when I feel overwhelmed I retreat…so I don’t bleed all over them. That’s how I find balance as the light streams out and through me.
In between this moment and my final one, everything has as much meaning as we allow it to have. And meaning can be found in the small things, the average, the banal. Not everything has to be flashing lights and gold gleaming in the distance. We choose it. All of it.
Here’s the perfect song to end off this blog post…