Ah…and so the epiphany hits, as I sat outside and smoked. If our thoughts create our reality…then the truth has nothing to do with a lack of worthiness for me, at least. The simple truth is that it took me these last few years to feel safe around people and in my skin. To recover from the past and disappointments in my career and personal life.
Sometimes we all just need a breathing space, people to hold us energetically. To remind us, day by day, that there is life to be had. Now this matters a great deal if one has gone through some nasty experiences, and endured days or years of feeling compromised. Outside our skin, our hearts were being held in unclean hands.
I stayed in that space and found peace. Peace with people I love, admire and respect. My career took a backseat so I could deal with my shit. Slowly, not by writing letters or penning songs where my feelings were made known. I dealt with my issues and the people involved one on one.
I am not afraid of doing new and interesting things in my career. I embrace any kind of change in that regard. But I needed stillness and by taking time reconnected with family and friends in a deeper and more soulful way.
This year showed me many things. A man entered my life and showed me generosity and devotion. That, I won’t forget and give it to others with ease now. Yet, not at the expense of the peace I found, the silence I surround myself with.
Interesting really. I barely agonized about my career until after the Ben Harper performance. As it was a reminder of how…alive I feel when on stage with talented musicians who have a plan. It mattered how we felt on that stage, on that day. The journey towards that single point in time was the culmination of many things I needed time to process.
I alone am responsible for where I am. Everyone else, even the bad stuff, was just a way-shower. This links in with the earth changes, the floods, the fires, the devastation. If I don’t wake up and change my pattern of thought, a seemingly outside event might just shock me so wide awake and throw my entire world asunder. And I don’t want that.
It’s time to stop walking and running….but leap into what I desire.
Finally…I know this to be true. I am safe in my own skin and bones. And now I am ready. For everything.