Ah yes. It is time I implemented my new plan, time I stopped focusing on other people. More music. Less people, that’s what 2020 has to be about.
I mentioned all these weird moments in the last few weeks, didn’t I? And even with those I am still bored. Musically, emotionally – I need a shift. Or worse still, a purge.
Musically, I worked with unknown people. Very talented yes but I do wonder if I can be given the sound I need. In fact I feel like a scientist who is mixing elements together in the hope that I can get closer to what I dream of, that sound, that groove that elevates my voice. Truthfully, none of the songs are where I would like to see them, especially when working with others. Something, somewhere is missing. Something, somewhere is off….
All I did this year was wait on others. After formulating my plan I sat back and watched. It was all just a test, I know this now. A test I set for others. A test for loyalty and truthfulness. I saw people I love disappoint….and so I moved further away. I observed those I care for make choices I understood but knew were downright selfish….and walked until their names no longer made me feel like my heart is about to leave my chest. And all that energy can be felt in the music. The distance I placed between myself and others, the aloneness.
I have not found my musical tribe yet. I have many, many tribes of people who I love and love me. But not when music is involved. There is no one in my life who I am in awe of musically. No one whose musicality makes me jump out of my skin with excitement. No one whose energy I can spar with. No one to teach me, push me….I have been doing this alone for so long.
I am rather uncertain about many things and people in my life. All I do know is that it’s time I left home, packed my bags and go in search of a tribe of people who can teach me how to grow.
Staying here….what does that even mean when everything is happening in my head? When everything is just one grand illusion. Staying where exactly? I am the one who needs to shift. I need to call the tribe towards myself. To let them know I am ready to leave what I know behind. I need to call the world of music I wish to inhabit towards me. It’s time.