My Mother once said that since I was a kid I wrote first, no matter how upset, before speaking. It feels like I have been confessing daily for the last few years. More so since the start of this year.
Truthfully, whenever I write… at times, my candor, shocks even me.
Small and big revelations come as I jot down my mad thoughts. And they are fully expressed when I sing, the process complete. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay, that this is my process. I get it now. Honestly I do, why my ex husband had to resort to reading my blogs to figure out what I was thinking. That is so heartbreaking isn’t it? This is how closed off I was. I apologized over a few beers years later.
These things, the distance that creeps up between people, are more common than one imagines. This applies to relationships of all kinds. This is why I observe people as carefully as I do. When it comes to people I care for or love, it matters knowing who they are and how they evolve over time. I won’t risk losing them because I was too busy with my own life. Time will always be made.
If I could sum up the one thing I failed to say to people I love it would be this: I am here. For you. And I need you, no, I choose you to be here for me. Stay.
Instead I write to gather my thoughts. Place myself in their shoes and give a wide berth. Often negating what I need. That wasn’t an act of love but cowardice. I made it so easy for them to leave. An easier for me to run. Balance was not created or achieved. I know this now. It’s not about getting what one wants or thinks one needs. It’s about being braver with what one feels and risking it despite the fear.
That being said, I am in no rush for anything. Perhaps it’s because I am more settled in my skin. Maybe my father dying played its part. Who knows? Who know the reason for any of it? Live within the mystery, with the uncertainty and doubt. And find balance even in that dark place.
The album I am releasing is in remembrance of people I loved and lost. I am sticking to my guns and releasing it with fewer tracks that all carry the same energy and emotional resonance, instead of packaging it all in one box and hoping it works.
The truth is always simpler than we suppose. All I desire is to make beautiful music and have those I love at my side, with the certainty that their love is safe in mynhands. Nothing matters more than being able to do something I love and come to people I love. Not out of fear or the need for security, but because that is the place where love and safety can be found.
Yeah, I have a birthday to look forward to. And dancing and laughing and Christmas and more days of being able to write music, sing and spend time with people I love. That’s where I am at right now. And it’s not a bad spot at all. If I might be as bold, I would risk saying that it feels like grace… perhaps even peace.