The path of the musician is never an easy one. Add in a heartbreak or three and it’s near impossible to function normally. But first a confession. I live with ghosts. Ghosts – when combined with the right chord progression, harmony and lyrics tricks one into believing everything is okay,that I am okay. When the truth is the only things raging within are….ghost memories of people, ideas of what the world could become, what I could be if I was braver. In the meantime I wait for cold nights when they stand close enough and whisper their secrets into my ears…
I told a friend I have become an observer, a ghost if you will. Always catching bits of reflected light and shadows from the lives of others. And what of my own life? This question was posed to me by a dear family member. Honestly, I have no idea. All I know is music and how to listen – to others that is. Them and the ghosts they carry with them.
I know how to move everything I feel aside and allow the music to run amok but allowing anyone into my life – honestly? All the way in? I would not know where or how to start. The sound of the ghosts make it near impossible to hear, see or think clearly. When the truth is those who offer me even a bit of their hearts do not want to be turned into a ghosts through music. They want to be seen and known without it. But ask me to put down my shield, my walls, the knives I conceal….where and how to start?Ask ask me to allow them in truthfully…and I drown in sea discordant music and words shaded with mis-truths.
How to articulate love or care truthfully? Perhaps I should state that I have no idea where to start, that I would falter…that love is something I have to re-learn. At least I am not in denial about who I am and that is a good start. It also helps having people around who call me out on my sometimes shitty behavior – my tendency to run, push people away or just not speak at all. Oh the irony – a musician who grapples with communication!
Small steps. I am taking small steps everyday. I am comforted by the following – we have no choice but to evolve. I wonder what and who I will morph into and how the music will alter as a result of it. Now that sounds rather exciting doesn’t it eh?