I do not need to justify my choices to anyone. An easy sentence to write but hard to live up to. I remember being married, in relationships or even friendships and there existing this unspoken rule about how and who makes choices.
It’s early morning and I have not spoken to anyone, even though there are people around. Personally, I think one should not speak that early in the morning or even listen to music until one feels ready. And I am not ready yet. My family knows this about me…and I know when to break that rule for them. This ties in with making choices, do you see this?
There have been people in my life that, if they could, would dictate my every move. From the minute I wake up, who I love and how I engage with musicians and music. Since those days, especially in person, I say very little and watch instead…until I am ready to make a choice. Usually, this far, it meant leaving. Or running away.
People are always making choices, whether they announce it out loud or not. In the song In Love With The Past, I use the following lines, ‘with everything I do, I betray you…’. Writing those lines had a profound impact on me. I realised that with all the unspoken things I carried, I was making a choice, consciously, that lead me to this place. Also to be fair, I should have known the truth about my small silences, when I no longer share what matters, or speak freely – I already had one foot out of the door.
Life isn’t a dress rehearsal. I am off to the beach later to spend time with someone who seems…. intriguing. I don’t know what or who he is…but I am moved to find out, and that’s enough for now. Sometimes, I like being around people,the sincere hope being that something within me will be sparked. Something that could lead to a greater realisation about some universal truth. Yeah, yeah..I know….I should chill out and stop being so intense about everything. Yet every person I meet is not only a mirror but a question.
I learnt many things in 2019. The most important being to not allow myself to be swallowed by the choices of others. Or to give too much energy to what doesn’t make me feel good. Every choice is derived from that premise. Go where I feel good, not to who needs me…but towards people and experiences where I am ensouled and in my damn skin. Where I am stretched to the point of tears and feel nothing other than…Free.