I spent most of this year talking to friends, helping them and myself negotiate space. The new or sometimes old places they find themselves in. Just how do they spend this time alone, without kids or with someone new?
Christmas was great by all accounts. My siblings confessed just how much they miss my father. As they did so it dawned on me why I can manage well even though I have little off days. I know how to be alone and deal with my heart. Music didnt give me any other choice really.
I write and sing what I feel….until it’s gone, out and no longer lodged anywhere in my skin and bones. I sing until the darkness and I know each other so well that being stranded in the shadows no longer scares me.
I could record an entire album about falling in love with one person alone. I wrote music until I could recall everything about him and time spent together. His eyes, his hands, the way he walks and talks. Every single thing. In that respect the light and the dark works the same way. Both offer experiences so rich it can injure, so it is best I become acquainted with their nature and effects until it no longer has any power over me. And then 2020 happened. I managed that space with hardly any music at all.
So Christmas was great. As will new year celebrations with friends be tomorrow. As will this entire new year be. As I have decided to make it so, regardless of where I find myself or with whom.
The universe has this way of keeping me on my toes. She just informed me through a dream that things are set to change once again. I woke up knowing that puzzles have been moved into place by unseen hands, and I that I won’t be single for that much longer.
Either great love or death is approaching. Either way work. Isn’t it one and the same?
I make light of death because I don’t fear it. Just as I don’t take life too seriously. I observe everything, others and myself as I enjoy wherever I find myself. The striving and struggle is gone. The need to be loved is gone. I am loved whether alone or with another. Music? When I need to sing or be heard, I will be. It is no longer the centre of my entire existence. Being without Music, no longer hurts as much as it once has.
Puzzle pieces, unseen hands and flowing has become easier this year.Whatever comes will come. And I will be here or not. I can hear my daughter saying, ‘Mother, have you given up?’ No baby, no girly. I have reached my centre point. This is what balance looks and feels like.
What comes will come at its appointed time. All I have to do is be ready…and ready I am.