It’s been said so many times – the gods give us what we need, not what we want. The problem arises when we can’t differentiate between the two….
As I was driving to see my Gilda, I asked myself…what is it you need Auriol? For the first time in my life I paused. Sure, I would like more money to do some cool things with. And yeah, a sexy man would be great, to do some cool things with. But…..uhmm…no. Those are not needs at all. Fuck this inner peace crap I thought.
So I asked myself another question instead. What is it that excites me currently? Honestly, learning German is doing it for me! I love the little dopamine hits I get everytime I sit on my learning app. And I really dig speaking to my teacher Manfred. He keeps reminding me that there are certain things I can’t say to a man! No, I countered, I will say those things to a man I really, really like! It’s about the small things people! Hehe
What is it I need? More music. A musical tribe. A collective of people who inspire, excite and push me. I have no desire to write music currently. The itch is gone because….bladdy hell…inner peace and all! It made me realise that I wrote music for the longest time in order to deal with my demons, my anxieties or the longings I could not articulate.
This is no way to live. Forever escaping into Music because I attracted the kinds of people who could not provide safety or certainty of being. How could they, when I never felt it eh?
Manfred asked me why Berlin? Another acquaintance suggested London as there is more of an industry there. I am not searching for industry. Innovation, exploration, freedom to Express yes. Also, before the jazz divas of America came into my life it was Marlene Deitrich who fascinated me most. The fearlessness of her. When I think of Berlin that’s the image that comes to mind. Artists exploring, creating without fear. A city abuzz with all things imaginal. And people who are keen to be a witness to that kind of creativity.
Then I asked myself another question. If I had all the money in the world…who would I approach to produce my album? No one I know yet. That’s the gods honest truth. Ben Harper would be the ultimate of course, but….I need someone who believes not only in the music but in me. Hence, I have no real need for money right now. As I have not discovered my musical tribe yet. Besides, I can and have gotten by with so very little and never felt poorer for it. Annoyed sometimes, as I would like to own a beautiful kimono! Yet, that is a want. This is the kind of trust and faith I am operating on. And every day has been and is a blessing. I am never without what I need. Do you see where I am going with this?
Either way, I am just happy to be around family, to feel the warmth of the sun, to be overwhelmed by the blue of the sky. I know…very hippy of me right?
I have no desire to go out and be with anyone either. Sure, I could call up a few people. But to what end? To get my rocks off and then feel weird afterwards? Dammit, I am a grown ass woman. If I desire someone I will inform them…in a polite and wicked way. Yet, there is no desire and no one that needs informing. Besides, I refuse to share any of my being in a insincere way. I simply won’t lie about what I need. Never to myself nor anyone in my orbit.
I told Gilda that I feel strangely free. There are no attachments in my life. Even my family whom I adore, the need I had to escape from them is gone. I am so free in my being… that I am choosing to remain grounded. Because here feels so good. In fact, everywhere feels good. I am Dali Lama’d out my people!
If I wasn’t a musician, I would have made a great therapist or diplomat! But seeing that those career options are not on the cards, all I can do is trust. And so I asked for clear signs or a dream to guide me. Whatever comes next it’s gonna be epic….and I trust myself enough to know when it arrives. But right now I need some sleep…
Dream well wherever you are. Anchor peace as best you can. And trust that your needs are always met. X