My life is filled with … Things I wont do. Lines I wont cross. Places to remain safe. Music I wont listen to. (Generally Afrikaans music.) After India I promised to never lie to myself and to flow…but flowing doesn’t mean ignoring my needs.
Most days I long for Music. To luxuriate in all the tones, melodies and lyrics only he can inspire with a blink of an eye. Yes, Music is my One True Love. In this year of 2020, which I am calling the year of self sacrifice, Music and I barely saw each other. And when we did it was tearful and brief.
This feeling….I equate it to knowing Great Love and having to scramble to find bits of him in the skins of every other man. And having to pretend it and they are enough. I always leave as it never is. Hell, these days I barely fall asleep long enough to dream. The Love Child album falls into that category. It’s like a one night stand or a summer fling. Fun while it’s there…But enduring Love it is not.
Damn you 2020. You were Great for peace of mind. Terrible for Music. Great for epiphanies and insight. Terrible for Love or Lust. 2020 brought love of family and love of self yes. In this year I didnt encounter anyone worth holding on to, or keeping near… for long enough. There were special moments of deep connectivity sure.
To me Love and Music is one and the same. They operate on the same frequency. Where there’s great love or deep feeling, there’s so much emotion it has to become Music. There’s so much silence now..
And that’s okay. I didnt lose myself to anyone or anything. Contrast is there for a reason. The love will come and with it the Music.