It really is mind boggling what happens to any person when love turns sour. No one ever sets out at the start of a relationship dreaming that day will come. We are all bright eyed and rose glasses and shit. I am posting this song to give perspective. It interests me….what happens….afterwards.
My father once told me that the only thing that matters is that you and whoever you are dealing with share the same common values, a way of looking at the world and operating in it. This makes sense on the surface level. Yet my parents are so different. Their marriage was one of great turmoil for so long. Now as he lies dying he is so devoted to my Mother. The jaded Scorpio in me sniggers and thinks…fuckit, it takes death for your old ass to see the light eh?
Ease. That is what I think of when it comes to people. Can I be my true self around you? The one who wakes up with silence at times, who escapes to a tree to write, who panics in the kitchen, gets hopelessly lost everywhere, will stop you in mid sentence to jot down a phrase or record a tune that just popped into my head and who is always searching for meaning? Can you be the same way with me knowing that all I will do is crack a dirty joke now and then? And do you understand that my love for music and my love for you, at its best and worse, is the same thing? An outpouring of love?
When love goes wrong it messes with one. It changes the way you see yourself and that affects everything else. All you can do is forgive yourself, the past and the person you loved or still love. Then it’s a minute by minute decision. Decide that your sanity matters and be happy dammit! Remember that your mind is like a smooth talker at a jazz club with a killer smile, great whiskey and big dick. All he wants is your ass in bed at his mercy saying, ‘oh yes baby…I love it when you do me like that…’
The gods test you. Three times to be sure if you learnt the lesson, and with each trial it becomes harder. Now if you are still up to shit and refuse to face the reality your life has become, worse happens. Knowing this I made a choice. No one will ever hurt me again…and I won’t hurt them. It is just kinder, and I would rather be kind than be right.
I always make it easier and leave first. I have done so when knocked on my door. Before too many words are said and I can no longer live with myself and all that untruth. There is a live version of this song on YouTube but it is mild compared to the howling I once did. No one, I decided, will ever cause me to feel, write and sing this way again.
I once heard someone say that everything is a test of love. Sometimes staying is best. Sometimes leaving…and sometimes one has no damn clue. It came down to the following for me – when I sing, when I get offstage and into bed…can I see you there? And what happens to my heart when I do?
So tell me, what have you decided? Who will you become after your heart has been broken? Do you still believe? For all my bullshit….I still do.
Everything is not only a test of love. Everything is love expressed. Hang in there…