I don’t know what my tomorrow holds. Now usually this does not bother me, or so I tell myself. Wait, I tell myself many different stories. At the top of the list is this – being able to transmute any experience through music matters. This is how I can transcend whatever befalls me.
My love for music as a means of expression has been the only constant in my life. As a very shy kid it was harrowing and seemed an almost impossible task. As a married mother to a small kid it became an obsession. When music finally knocked on my door, it only exacerbated the issues my now ex husband and I were struggling with. So I left. Also, if anything happens in a personal relationship that jeopardizes music….that person will leave my life. This is what it has come to. Do not remove me from what I love most.
A bit hardcore eh? I don’t think so. I gravitate towards the things and people who make me happy and retreat when I am uncertain. Or leave once I know a compromise cannot be reached. This sounds great in theory but the reality is very hard indeed. Especially when times are tough. Damn, I berate myself, maybe I should have stuck to law or been a therapist. And sung in my shower…and had more babies.
Yet, every amazing person and experience was made possible through music. Look,my father is dying and it’s tough. I have bad days and accept that. Yet every second has been a blast.
Today I spoke to Gilda at a fundraising event for TLC Alzheimer’s Homes. ‘You need to stop being scared of making mistakes my girl,’ she said. I erroneously assumed that running major decisions by people I trust would put an end to bad things happening. Nope. Not a bladdy damn. However, I managed to recover a great deal faster each time.
Yes, there are things I would love to experience. Visiting Istanbul is one of them. Singing in a remote and sacred cave, feeling those energies reverberate through my body and amplifying it to the audience. Performing with Ladysmith Black Mambazo, listening to music in the desert and singing as the sun sets is another. What’s the use of having all these plans ( I tell myself) when every wonderful experience and person came as a surprise?
All musicians are both optimistic and greedy. Not for money but for experiences that enliven us. I seek out and nurture friendships where a spark of the Divine and exceptional can be found. Anything, any activity that causes an individual to be insanely excited and passionate about what they do and how they show up in the world. It reminds me why I love people, words and music. It’s a win-win scenario in the end.
I try to be as aware as I can be about the stories I tell myself. It helps being surrounded by very different people, those who view the world with a set of eyes unlike my own. Yet at the end of the day all I really have control over is my own being. And it’s okay to get it right or wrong. As long as there’s a little bit of space so I can keep creating new and exciting stories to tell myself. I would hate to die knowing I was on loop all the time.
So here’s to new and shiny mistakes! To different stories and music to be made. Oh…and sleep, more sleep.