I deleted a few blog posts. And here’s the reason why. I wondered what would happen if someone who was simply curious about my music found my blog instead and ended up reading my take on men with Big Dick Energy. I mean…come on now. That is a bit intense isn’t it? I mean we didn’t even have a cuppa tea together yet!
Well, have you really listened to my music, attended a performance of mine? I am 24/7 intense. Intense on stage and intensely focused on others off stage. In fact if I wasn’t wired that way you can bet I am bored as hell of the situation, of you. And it’s time to bounce! I can hear my daughter whispering with a deeply disapproving look on her face,’ You don’t like getting attached to people do you Mother?’ No girl, there’s a saying in Afrikaans my Mother repeats to me often and it goes like this,
‘Moet nie van jou hart n moordkuil maak nie.’
Meaning…don’t turn your heart into the perfect place for murder most vile.
Then I realised I shared a half truth regarding writing music. There are very few instances when I wrote music honoring the love I feel for another. Most of those kinds of songs were written in the last two years. And yes, I composed music to absolutely to rid myself of certain men who…. honestly…owe me a damn apology for behaving so badly. But life moved me onwards! I would prefer a great bottle of whiskey instead of an apology now. Add in a carton of menthol cigarettes and perhaps I might be inclined to listen.
The main thing I monitor is this: are my words and actions in alignment? Do I keep the promises I make to myself? I don’t make promises to people. The truth of what I feel is in the music, and how I show up if needed or called.
Sometimes it feels like an experiment I am observing, my life. Especially now during lockdown. I feel like a lone scientist watching the life of Auriol and making notes to take to some imaginary board of esteemed people who will decide her fate.
I need a challenge, a new cause…something to believe in. I can only lie to myself about my love for cooking for so long…