I am deeply aware of a few people who stalk me. The usual and rather unexpected kind (thank you ex husband for informing me about the weirdos). And so one learns to be more careful with words – everywhere. Or not speak at all.
A friend told me a few weeks back, ‘There is so much you are not saying…’ he reads my blogs and listens to all my new music. Yes, of course. I have learnt when dealing with people that it is best to remain silent….and watch them spill every bean there is. As most people cannot deal with silence, their own or that of others.
This is the year I prune my circle of friends. Friendship is trickier than love affairs. Men I can rid myself of in various ways. The betrayal one uncovers at the hands of friends is far worse, I discovered. Prune, snip and out you go.
I have to question my own behavior also. How much of my time do they require or I of them? Sometimes you have to listen not only to your own gut but the very real concerns voiced by people closest. This I have often failed to do….to my detriment.
Let’s see them through this, I told myself. They are not so bad, I told others. Just give them a chance. A chance for what though? To royally fuck me over? This in 2020? No. A purge is required. Choose people who choose you. And when they do, it is best to question why. Better yet ..don’t ignore red flags.
I am also considering deleting all other social media platforms. Dammit, I am not hard to reach. If anyone wants to find me, they will. Music people will complain about my social media reach. If that is how my worth is determined…there is a special hell for people like that to live in. Just don’t invite me…
It really does pain me, this purge I am about to embark on. I thought I was being careful and no one carrying swords around me. People are a lot weaker than I imagined. And I would rather be alone than weakened by those at my side.
I also need to stop listening to my favorite musician, as I hide behind his music and my own. Delete everything and start clean. I need to be braver in every aspect of my life.
I take time out and away, for perspective and my sanity. And the realisation that I would rather write music than own up to what I feel, even the really great stuff is scary. So while I prune my friendship circle, I have to take a look at what no longer serves me in terms of my own behavior. Even if those memories are good. Seriously, what’s the point of great memories if all it means is looking back and not being present eh?
My daughter gave me some useful advice: see people for who they are and stop being so Winnie The Pooh about everything. That’s one of her nicknames for me along with…. Satan’s Mistress!
Otherwise, I will end up with the same kind of people in my life, doing the same thing, facing the same struggles. And in 2020 the only thing I have time for and will give all of my focus to is music and more music and when I can’t anymore…more music still. That’s all I have time for. Wait, and good books and food…and a small tot of whiskey every now and then. I mean…I am not a bladdy monk you know!