Forgiving oneself, I was told, doesn’t center around understanding but around one’s capacity to love. And perhaps the only understanding I need to be reminded of is that….mistakes will happen.
At times those mistakes are repeated, some call it karma. And while time itself is an illusion, it is a useful tool so that we can measure our progress. To gauge whether certain relationships are still true, certain modes of being valid or whether beliefs held on to need to be scrapped altogether or validated.
This is why Music helps a great deal. All artists, I believe are magicians of a sort. As we deal with the transmutation of energy. This can only be done, for me at least, when I am honest with myself first. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I started writing a song, sat back and thought, ‘Bladdy hell, is this really how I feel?’ Or how relieved I feel after singing a song and reliving an experience that caused me pain.
I am deeply sympathetic to people and how hard simply being alive can become. Yet, there are some individuals I will not allow back into my life. They do not need to guess who they are, as I have not only shared it aloud and in person, but relayed it in many ways. Without feeling the need to bad mouth anyone after the fact. As I understand how tricky life can become. This, by itself, is a form of love in my books.
My friends fear that my heart has shut down, especially those not physically close. This is not the case. If anything, the walls of my heart has been strengthened, so as to experience more love and share it. As I am in alignment with my deepest of truths….that I learnt the hard way.
I won’t easily forget the lessons my last two meaningful interactions with men taught me. As it got me through my father’s passing and every bad day since. If I can open up my being, give freely, feel warmth and joy through the act of giving without expectation…anything is possible. While 2020 was a horrible year and I felt so alone, it also reminded me that love comes in all forms.
I compose music and journal to remind myself how to give and receive love. Without trying to cage or pin it down. Again, this is something all musicians are deeply acquainted with. The song we write while alone transforms once in studio, with each performance, each audience, with different band members and with every emotion we feel as we sing and share.
If there is one thing we should never forget it is this : we all are indeed mad musicians, transmuting energy and weaving magic with every thought, word and action. We are never without the love we need to get from where we are to where we need to be. And yes, mistakes will be made…but…. only to measure how far we have come in our understanding of love itself.
This is why I am not overly focused on intimate relationships or finding a damn man. It will come it at the divinely appointed hour. All I can do is show love to whomever I choose and honor the love given in turn. I do this by embodying my truth with everything I do and say, accepting that mistakes will be made. While trusting myself enough to know I can live with the consequences thereof.
The rest? That’s all magic and music darling…