I admit. I am guilty. Take me to the gallows. Place me in the chair and flip the switch. Put the cloth over my head and let me swing darlings. I am, unfortunately very guilty. I have a tendency to…uhm…how should I put this delicately?….make men who enter my life feel a bit too special. Possibly because they are at that moment in time. Does this make me untrue in any way, I ask myself?
I have only ever loved one man with every bit of my heart and soul, the father of my daughter. And last year I fell head over heels in love with another and I loved him as best I could. Whenever someone steps into my space my heart swallows them whole. Each and every time. The end result is.. music. Music shaded by the very true emotions I felt at the peak of our time together.
I do believe this is how it ought to be. One should feel so deeply one loses sleep. Desire so much sweat and agony is the price one pays without flinching. I am an artist and feeling enlivened matters. Of course there is a dark side also. The men take me for granted and mistakenly believe I will never refuse them. And when I do turn them away I am accused of all kinds of fuckery. Even then, when that happens the music is rich with emotional complexity.
Of course, of course…I have small moments of weakness when I lose my way. Usually wine was involved – not whiskey. However, that never lasts long. I was especially aware of this last month as relationships reignited during Mercury Retrograde tend to be shortlived. Luckily, Mercury has gone direct and already I feel the energy surging back.
I equate everything with music, so I hope my explanation makes sense. When a performance is over, or I have written a song – all I deeply long for is peace. So I can sleep and dream. I want to wake up with music still rattling in my bones, look at him and know, with no doubt, peace can be found in his arms and nowhere else. I no longer need to turn to a keyboard or search for meaning with my voice alone. It is there, with him…. his heart my cathedral. And there I will remain. In essence, I need a love that feels like Ben Harper’s music. As there is no doubt in my mind I will reciprocate that energy. Not only with music but with everything I am.
Until then I will continue to make whoever enters my life feel very special, because they are dammit! And this does not make me untrue at all by the way. It renders me..very, very human.