This is what every musician or songwriter thinks. Or perhaps it’s just me. I sat outside, stared at the open blue sky, felt the warm wind on my skin and wondered about love and music.
My mind was lost for a while in a musical reverie. Do you wonder, I thought, about the music I wrote for you, about us? After all this time, lover, do you ever sit back and really listen? Do you hear what I was trying to say to you? And do you still see the me who loved you so deeply? Or do you skip past the song when it pops up on your playlist? Have you ever considered just how hard it was singing those songs for the first time, to a small audience when you were no longer there? How, at times, I shattered my already broken heart just a bit more while I sang thinking of you?
My ex husband thought every song I wrote was about him. I remember playing him Guns On The Table and laughed at his very suspicious looking face. No, I wrote Queen of Pain and Suffering for you mister, I laughed! After every breakup I look at the music I penned to see if I missed something along the way. It’s part of my cleansing ritual, to rid myself of them and whatever feelings they may have conjured.
I spoke to someone recently, who I liked for years and the stupid man upset me by saying that I tend to take everything and romanticise it with music. My response to him was simple and boiled down to the following. You no longer move me the way you once did. No music will ever be written for or about you again. That’s a Scorpio for you. We feel so very intenstly, obsesses about our chosen person and disengage equally as fast if we have been hurt or you bore us.
One would swear based on the music I have written that I have loved so many, very deeply. Or have been hurt beyond repair. No, I keep a safe following distance and dive deep when I write music or sing. It’s like a coat one wears when the wind blows and removes once home. Yet, after the performance, the memory was restored back to where it belongs – my past. I had to…for my sanity.
As in life and music, it’s what we chose to retain, to hold dear that matters. Life happens and there is nothing we can do about it. There’s a meme I really like. It asked one question: who made you drink so much you forgot your own name?
I would throw this question to any musician or creative. When you are alone and working on a project, who is it you are talking to in your imagination? Who is the first person you want to share your ideas with? Who is at your side in your mind’s eye?
We don’t create meaningful works of art or music because we are in pain. We do so when we are moved and feel deeply. So deeply that only music can articulate that feeling, in my case.
I hope that whoever it is you think of as you create or are slightly altered in the early morning hours….I hope they are in your life.