I am sitting under a big tree, the sun is shining and the world, my world is filled with stillness. Yet when I came home, looked at my notebooks I was alarmed. Hell, there are so many things I wanted to do but didn’t. So many goals I did not reach.
There are so many books focused on how to be a better human being, how to be more productive and not fuck up. It is easy to get depressed at times. Yet the truth is my life is filled with Grace. I get to…soak in a bath for hours and read, hear my parents moan and tease each other, laugh with Gilda, discuss metaphysical matters with my daughter, write and sing. When is the last time we looked at ourselves, the people in it…with grace and kindness?
I made a decision a few months ago to not be attached to outcomes, to flow and allow the gods to bring me what I need. It was and still is not easy yet what choice do I have? I remember being at Afrika Burn, watching the flames envelope the art and smiling, ‘God, I can’t wait to hear Ben Harper sing.’ I didn’t care whether I got to open for him or not. My very thought was focused on the joy of hearing his music. This matters a great deal and is relevant in every aspect of my life at least. Outcomes fuck us over. Especially when things do not go the way we want. When the person we love acts in a seriously strange way, when we are not understood or even seen in the way we would like.
It has been said that all evil, any kind of evil is the illusion of separateness. Perhaps because I write music, it is possible for me to throw myself back into one memory and feel that emotion of so completely that it fills me up. Literally, after writing a song for anyone I felt deeply connected to, even if they are no longer alive or with me – the feeling of togetherness finds me. I know this sounds like all kinds of madness but hear me out. The best sex I have experienced was where the idea, the emotion of being in that person’s space, energy and body lingered so long it filled my entire being with desire.
It’s the deliciousness of every moment I try to be conscious of. It’s what is in front of me, who is showing up and how I respond to them that matters. Not what they do or fail to do or be. If all I can be is who I am then I have no choice but to accept who and how the other shows up is the best they can offer in that moment. Does that resonate with who I am? If not, great. Decisions have to be made. If yes, great. Decisions have to be made.
When it comes to my career… I decided that as long as the joy remains a focus I will be just fine. As long as I can feel the butterflies about to take off, then all is wonderful. Being around a man who is dying and a woman who might not remember my name or face eventually does give perspective.
I have let go of certain ideas around happiness and fulfillment. Once I thought a happy marriage and a son would do the trick. A home with a loving man who understood my need for silence and music. And I get to do cool stuff like perform at historic places. All that ego bullshit that looks great on paper. And I let go of it. I did so because it caused me pain. I was so focused on what I did not have that I forgot what is right in front of me.
It’s the stillness I require. Stillness I want to offer others. With my music, words or being. Kinda ironic, I am a musician yet all I long for are different kinds of silences.
My life, I decided and keep on deciding, will be a testament of not what I accomplished but how well I loved. Not who I loved but how truthful I am towards the person sitting next to me. I refuse to look at this world and only ache for what I do not have. That’s no way to live.
Doubt will find me. It has to. It stops one from being arrogant and to certain about paths one should take. Fear in all its different forms will come and go. We might never be satisfied so why not be kinder to yourself eh? Be kind. Find grace. Give it to others. Buy a hat, reads book, make furious love or have unapologetic great sex, bake a cake, lie naked in the sun and dance. Do all that so when your times comes regret is the last thing you feel.
And none of us know when our number’s up do we?