I remember an energy reader advising me to go and get laid as often as possible. Ah, perhaps I should have given you a warning before eh? I was advised to behave like a typical male in this regard. Take what I need and bounce. Don’t stay, don’t explain and move on. Wait, in fact what she truly said was ‘no relationships for an entire year…’
We are cyclical beings. In most instances our behavior can be….predicted. When stressed person A is most likely to do this, based on previous patterns one can conclude. After she gave her advice I asked myself an honest question. Do I like sleeping around? Is that my pattern? Look, I am a Scorpio and we love a good roll in the hay. Yet, what a Scorpio needs is emotional intimacy and connection a great deal more than sex alone. Isn’t that a human need eh?
When looked at deeper I understood what she really meant to say. Look at why and how you engage sexually with men. Not look, investigate and then decide: is this who you are? We have all gone through some bad shit. And picked up equally bad habits along the way. The last two years has been a process of clarification and purging. Not only of people (that’s the easy bit) but of beliefs and habits.
I learnt to speak without Music, my deepest truths, and to see it reflected in every part of my life. There are no discrepancies between what I know to be true and how I behave.
I have known for the longest time how to love only one person and be faithful to them. Hence, it was easy to sustain a long distance relationship or one with many obstacles where I was separated physically from my human. In those instances where I was not true, I had to dig even deeper until I understood what erroneous belief had taken root in that instant.
That’s why I understood the dream a few nights ago where I had a Scorpio male at my side. As what I value is emotional intensity and deep connection of the emotional, physical and spiritual. And Scorpios are the most loyal of signs to those they love. At least I am.
So far I have loved deeply only once. Fell madly in love twice….and that was all kinda traumatic to be honest. I have learnt in this last year what happens when one is true to oneself, when trusting life itself is at the root of everything one does. Meeting men is easy. Fucking them easier. Leaving and being an asshole is no stretch. But again, the same question – is this how you choose to engage in this world? Does it make you feel good, even if wonderfully consensual?
Instead I chose to trust and have faith….not in anyone else but in myself alone. My ability to make decisions based on what shows up in my life, or whom. Yet, this can only be done if one does the work. And I feel I have done just so. It won’t surprise me at all if I am offered many…. opportunities when I leave for CT. But I am not lonely or broken anywhere anymore. Death has not defeated me but emboldened my being. Neither do I have a void to fill. Hence, I chose people whose energy is like mine, who share the frequency.
I chose someone extraordinary… who is good to me. As good as I would be to them. On and off stage. In and out of bed. Close or near. Yes. It’s all rather exciting to be honest! As the universe loves throwing me little surprise parties! And this time I am gonna let her surprise me as much as she wants to…while I go about my life and make music.