‘Don’t forget what you need’, says a friend. ‘And what exactly is that hmm’, I asked. ‘You need to allow someone into your life. And don’t send them on their way as you always do or friendzone the guys…’
I thought about this conversation as the moon beamed. I have a tendency to show men the door while they are still getting comfortable on the couch. In a nice way of course. I use the….go out and be happy line. Or go and have more babies, as no one deserves love more than you. Mind you, I always mean it. Except this one time…and even that was a strange blessing of sorts, burying one’s heart that is.
I journal to keep track of my madness, especially when I am triggered. Just the other day I made a very emotional decision an instant, triggered as f**k. I was surprised by just how upset I became. Here is something I still need to heal and release I thought. Why else would it hurt?
Seeing a person, experience or myself as I am…is not easy at all, as I have to work through all my boxes of beliefs. Rummage and shuffle to assess what remains and what goes outta the window. This is how I reach balance or neutrality.
Another reason why I seldom speak when angry or confronted. Even if I am triggered, I won’t allow my panicked feelings to spill and bleed on to anyone else. Bleed into music yes. Soak the sheets red when I write and sing, absolutely. I am so accustomed to dealing with my own issues alone that allowing anyone in….is an adventure by itself.
And breathe…pick up the call next time Auriol and say yes or just kiss the man. Switch off the brain and open your being. No one is gonna run away with your heart again. Or if they do…I will be right there with him. Passing the man water and checking the blood flow of his heart pounding in my chest. Of course, I must suggest a spot so we can rest, have a smoke, discuss world peace and perhaps even a swig of whiskey…
Did you see what I just did? I dealt with my own craziness and now I can finally get some sleep. Mission accomplished.