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I had irrational fears, or what felt like perfectly valid fears a few years ago. When my daughter was born I was convinced someone was going to steal her. I recall being pregnant and consumed by this fear. Of course when she was born I never let her out of line of sight.

And then I dreamed. Full scale slaughter of my entire family is what I saw, one life after the other. The one dream I remember clearly saw me with only two kids left after a warring army swarmed through our village and killed nearly everyone.

I haven’t thought about the irrationality of it for years. I do know the impact it had on my daughter and myself. I ended up sheltering  nothing from her. She knew what took place in the second world war at the age of three or four. I told her exactly what the world was like. Forget Father Christmas and such fairy tale bullshit kid – here, this is what man can do to man.

Do I regret it? For a while yes. I mean the kid full on freaked out when the dentist tried to administer gas. And I had to be given tea as I was shaking because the child screamed with fear! She was four years old. I don’t regret it now….and she can see the logic in that, as an adult (I think). Also being a amateur astrologer she knows I was always gonna raise her the way I did. See the bigger picture kid. See it and don’t forget.

Would she raise her kids the way she was raised? Probably not. ‘You treated me like I was adult right from the start!’ she would accuse. Of course and yes, so no one will hurt you, try to fool you, take away what you worked for, your power…As I was not raised this way.

Music and bad men is how I accessed my power. And when looked at that way the ‘bad’ men were not really bad at all. Small steps, evolution and all.

Back to those irrational fears, which I am calling my past lives drama, they stopped me from experiencing many things, and at the root of it was this notion of not feeling safe. It takes a great amount of trust for me to exhibit any kind of vulnerabilities with another. If I am having a nightmare, chances are I will reach for a notebook before I reach for a person. Even if I am sleeping next to them. If I am scared the same applies. When I have achieved balance…perhaps I will speak to someone.

Irrational fears/past life drama….fuckit, I am over it. In this life, this time around the only thing I am deeply committed to is self healing. Letting go of limiting beliefs, facing my fears both big and small and experiencing the life of my choosing on and off stage.

It’s raining now and almost 7 am. I have not slept yet. It only occured to me that I have not eaten properly either…in months. Sure I cook but I seldom eat what I make. It’s time I fixed this neglect of self. And pulled myself towards myself.

 

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