2020 has not been good to musicians. A few days into the new year and I am not even sure when or if I can plan a performance. As if things were not hard enough in South Africa without a pandemic before.
A friend joked last night and said, ‘You wont leave without your Mother’s blessing…’ My response was simple. I don’t need anyone’s blessings to go anywhere or do anything. Not after 2020 and Daddy dying.
There are times when I wish I wasn’t as open or forgiving, as I always feel foolish for believing. I thought about writing a song about that feeling, the hollowness and shame that comes with it. Then I thought about the process of physically sitting in front of a piano and digging for those emotions. Each time I felt abandoned, alone, empty, without, heartbroken…until I had no choice but to walk through my father’s death alone. No. There is enough of that kind of music out there in the world.
I think we are all smart enough to know what does and doesn’t work. The places and people to reach for who are safe. Here is so little music here. So much love yes, but so little music. I don’t know if anyone but a musician understands how deprived I feel. I would rather have music and a little bit or no love, as opposed to… so much love and no music. No wonder people think I am slightly mad or judge me for the choices I make. I can’t starve the way I was starved for Music in 2020. There would be nothing left of me. I am not choosing between love and music in 2021. And no one will force me into such a place, I just decided.
We have no choice my people, but to take care of our own hearts. Call in what we need and just get on with living. Call in more Music or move towards where I can hear it…as love and Music function on the same frequency. Just depends on the quality of the love and music…