I do feel guilty, I won’t lie. I am enjoying the silence immensely. The ease that comes with not having to explain myself to anyone. The luxury of staying in my dodge pajamas for days on end and sauntering to the piano to sing. Hell, the fact that I have no urgency to write music is deeply satisfying.
‘My girl, it’s okay. Just enjoy where you are ‘ said my Gilda. Where am I exactly? What is it I feel? I do believe the word is…free. I feel unburdened. In fact it feels like I have a clean slate. Nothing greatly concerns me or causes anxiety.
Right now I can hear the clocks tick tock, see a huge tree sway gently and hear birds chirping while my dog wants every passerby to love her. I needed the time to find a bit of peace within myself. So I can breathe and not have to find that within another human being.
I was just thinking of mirrors and how every event or person is a reflective experience. When I couldn’t find peace,or didn’t even know peace was what I needed, I called into my life someone who could give me just that. A reminder of what being free feels like. That is always the start, the spark to light the fire in which everything that doesn’t fit into my life and deep beliefs had to burn.
And did it burn! It burnt so fiercely bright I had to write music like someone possessed. I wrote away all the intense energy lingering underneath everything I felt. Love, desire, longing, pain and anger. Now all that’s left is this…a lady who dreams of sitting under the sun with her band playing music.
Cape Town awaits….with all its crazy energy, wonderful friends, whiskey and music. And I feel more than ready to deal with whatever arrives at my doorstep. My prayer remains the same….more music, deeper friendship and connection. And the freedom to travel and not be bound by my fears.
Often I talk to the gods and say…. Peep into my heart, the places I am too scared to look at and find the small rays of sun that reside there…and when you know I am ready force me, if you must, to leave behind my four walls…so I can feel the warmth reflected back to me….and sing.