Sometimes you gotta banish the beast or ride it. Other times tell the angel on your shoulder to shut the fuck up. These are the kinda thoughts that trouble my mind as I think of maintaining my balance. It’s the beast within, who has free reign when I write music, but cage when I am around people I even mildly like. A very conscious choice made when I saw my father’s beast raging at our family when younger. The beast within is kept in check when around my daughter. The beast within saw the sun rising only once and my anger downright fuckin righteous. I could feel it, my spine being forged by the fire and the deft hands of a master blacksmith. It changed me irrevocably and for the better. I was weak then. Weak and weak I will never be again.
Now the one thing all my friends level at me and even my Mother (and she is the best person I know) is that I am too understanding of the flaws of people. I must know where and how the mirror cracks in order to write music, besides, what would Jesus think (I tell my Mother who has a serious thing with this guy). Yet the truth is I watch people from a distance, wonder if their words and actions match and have been either relieved or hurt in turn. Why does this matter so much? It is not about them I realised. It is about me and whether I am as resolute as I claim to be. It’s the father energy, the great bits, I call towards myself in the form of friends and lovers. Daddy was a freedom fighter. Daddy was resolute, unwavering in his convictions …but am I as fearless as he was?
‘I’ve got whiskey between my fingers
Carcasses of bottles on the floor
And you’d be right if you said I don’t give a single fuck anymore’
Being able to write and sing those lines (and they are the mildest of the bunch) was liberating. It was not aimed at anyone but myself. Be a goddamn bitch for once Auriol! Own your power and stop making excuses for those weaker than you. Remember the fire and how it burnt I chastise myself. While on a date I was told, ‘ Be kind to people yes, but never careful.’ And while on another, ‘Stop trying to reason with the why’s in your life…’ I really am enjoying dating by the way. The food is great but the insights even better.
At any point, my life is peopled with the extraordinary. Honestly, the people I call friends are the greatest blessing. I do not deal with the banal. Even if I am performing a task that seems lifeless or around someone that appears to have nothing to say….. I will sing a dark dirty ditty to enliven wherever I am or crack that person wide open if I need to. In short, I am the damn party, as Kevin from the desert told me. And I should never, ever forget.
This life, this moment of now is a party, a celebration of sorts, a glorious creative storm I am caught forever in the middle of…Whether I banish the beast, invite it along a killing spree, ask the angel on my shoulder for advice or tape its mouth shut as I starve it in a basement….it is my party and I better remember that it’s who I invite in that matters….