Sometimes I feel guilty for writing about things that bother me. Especially if it involves other people. I would like to think I am balanced in how I express that energy…. although I cannot always be sure.
When I write about those instances, even in music, I mean to highlight the energy and my response to them. It’s never about ‘them’ really. Instead, I write and sing about how a bit of my inner world was shaped by their words and action, the good, bad and ugly.
I speak to Gilda when I loose my balance. ‘Come, tell Granny what’s wrong..’ and on the floor I sit and spill my guts. She is the only person I turn to when I am a mess. I explained how my memory works with writing music. The past is very alive, a every changing landscape I dip sometimes my body or my fingers into when writing music. Yet, when I consciously make a decision to cut the past off, the ‘scene’ closes. It becomes frozen in time, a dead thing.
‘My girl, there’s a season for everything. So I do understand your decision to write new music and leave the old stuff in the past.’ I told Gilda I am ditching the music written over the last three years. Perhaps sometime in the future I will touch it. Right now, I won’t and don’t feel the need to.
I am actively welcoming in new music, new people and a lovely man I can deal with in small doses. This is the year for music. Music, deep connection and less family. I realised that I am not doing anyone a favor by not embodying my truth, not singing and making my world so very small, especially for my Mother. Her and everyone else will have to deal with me doing what I need to in order to remain sane. My time in the trenches is done and I am honorably discharging myself.
Yes, that is the plan.