South Africa is up in arms about the increase in violence against women and children…in Woman’s Month. Of course my daughter is horrified and horrifies everyone in turn. What happens to the mass consciousness of a country when events like this trigger us? Do we see a greater outpouring of love and empathy or more anger? Rather tell me about the state of your heart darling…who and what lives there?
A friend called in absolute horror. ‘I can’t believe I made such a fool out of myself. I stood there with flowers and gifts hoping to do something nice for her…’ That was followed by a kazillion very expressive Afrikaans swearwords. The minute he started swearing I could not contain myself. Look, the incident was traumatic. He really put himself out there and was rejected flat out. But the bladdy swear words and the smart way he juggles them had me in stitched one would think I was at a comedy club! He called 5 times in one day and by the end my cheek muscles were paining. He sounded better and stopped beating himself up. This is South Africa – women have valid reasons to be afraid. Perhaps, I said, you should have asked where she works instead of going C.I.A and rocking up at her work…
It’s like the very expressive Tower card in the tarot deck. The signs were there all along honey child. The black clouds were not just a stage prop and didn’t you hear the thunder and feel the earth giving way under your feet? We all miss red flags. At times we are so blindsided by our own desires we have no choice but to fling ourselves out of the tower or illusion we are living within. Next time, I told my friend, just make sure she likes you or will take your calls before you grand gesture the shit out of her. However, don’t ever stop being a fool for love…or believing.
That reminds me I need more ink. This time it’s a murmuration of butterflies – not starling birds. Every single person I care for has a link to butterflies. Either the beasties flock around them, or they have ink themselves. Also butterflies speak of transformation. I already have a phoenix on my right arm, a reminder than pain can be transformed into something beautiful – Music. Also, every time I sing I can hear butterfly wings wildly begging for lift off.
When I got divorced a therapist asked me to describe my heart. It has many swords, all rusted, thrust into it. The rust and the outer layer of my heart are one and the same. Meaning that I would have to dismantle it, all the beliefs and fuckery I swallowed in order to find peace. Now…my heart is a murmuration of butterflies aching for the sun…
Even if the worse happens, we should never forget our ability to move past trauma, through it and be transformed in some way. Granted, we might not be the same on the other side, but our wings will be stronger and the sun will continue to shine. Also, fuckit man, there’s a world of flowers and people to love. People who need to feel the wings of delicate creatures against their skin as much as we need the sun.
I told my friend he can feel shitty for one day alone and advised my daughter to always give her best to whomever she loves. We do not know why people step into our lives, what their life mission is and how we will be affected in turn. So worry about the state of your heart first darling. And allow your life to be a manifestation of who you are – not what you lost.