Finding Joy in the midst of chaos is what we are all being called on to do. That’s rather funny as Joy is my second name. I need to find my damn self, the true essence of who I am bladdy hell!
Hey man, I am a musician – uncertainty is all I have ever known. That use to be my favorite thing to say. Perhaps the truth is that this pandemic isn’t much different from any other day in my life. It’s just my sex life that’s really suffering.
Personally I think I am a bit of mess. I told my Mother this morning in a rather matter of fact tone that what’s in my head is mine alone. Back off in other words. I know she means well, but I need a bit of space to figure out how I feel.
Scorpios and space. My daughter hates that about me. Space to figure things out. Not space to run away I would tell her. Space to look within and find some joy. A place in my past I can settle back into as I figure out what to do with this grief business.
Then I ask myself, goddamn girl what are you really crying about? It’s selfish. The man is dead and no longer suffering. Why are you crying you silly girl? Gods my father was an asshole. No one has ever hurt me as much as he did. I need to own that and let it go. The reason why I say that is because I got sick a bit recently. So I asked myself a silly question as I inspected my body. Heygirl, what has changed in the last month of your life? That I needed to ask that is troubling by itself. Oh nothing happened, beside my father dying after being in pain for the last few years.
I spent so much off my adult life hating him. And amidst all that a decision to be nothing like him solidified. I won’t be angry. I won’t be violent. I won’t be reactive. Of course I ended up being used or allowing myself to be until I learnt that anger has a place. Violence serves a purpose and being reactive, or responding truthfully in the moment can alleviate so many misunderstandings.
For so long I opted to Dali Lama everything in my life. The only time I stood up and declared ‘THIS IS MINE’ is when Ben Harper came to South Africa. I never claimed anything, an experience or person in my life before. But fuckit, I knew I couldn’t ‘let the universe decide’.
I should just be more assertive perhaps. Stop using that damn word Auriol. Go away perhaps or maybe or what if. Stop bullshitting people and using the psychology of ‘If I was in their shoes….’ No. I have feet and shoes of my own. I jotted down a note that became music where I sing, ‘Like feet praying for broken glass…’ I simply won’t do it anymore.
I just want a clean start. Not here. With my family. How’s that for honest? My joy, at least a joy that is mine alone….is not here. I am never my own here. And the song that goes through my mind is Uneven Days as I write. ‘Uneven days pin me to the floor. Uneven days who am I to ask for more?’
Fuck that. I am asking for more. No, not asking. Saying thank you for all the more. So it’s best the universe and I get a move on. Or as we say in Cape Town, ‘haal uit en wys!’ Yes, thanks universe for more. For Better showing up in my world. The best of who I am, who others are and what the world has to offer.
Anything short of that is a waste of my time. As that’s what I am offering….the best and truest bits of me. Where all my joy can be found, on and off stage.
Fuck. Writing helps. As does singing. Good food. Whiskey and sex. And yes, especially you…the person reading this. More will show up for you also. Trust.